


In My Head

by KieraRutherford



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Fear, Mental Health Issues, Positive Mental Health, Romance, Slow Burn, warnings in chapter headings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KieraRutherford/pseuds/KieraRutherford
Summary: Lilith Trevelyan isn't your normal Herald/Inquisitor. She suffers from anxiety, majorly and a bit of depression. There are good days, there are bad days then there is the Inquisiton. Being thrust into the role of Herald, and eventually Inquisitor she is forced to come face to face with all her inner demons. And salty blonde templar with his own demons catches her eye, but he couldn't possibly find someone as broken as her interesting, could he? She can hope, quietly inside like a whisper in a hurricane but the hope is there. Sitting in her room, the darkness surrounding her she wonders if it's all just, "In My Head."
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Sitting up with a start in bed Lilith could feel her heart hammering in her chest. The loud bang of something hitting the floor didn’t help either. Hugging herself tightly she wasn’t aware enough to do anything else. As the sleep faded back and the bright sun stirred her to the now, she began to remember. Maker how she wished instantly that she could forget. Certainly, it would be something to haunt her nights on end moving forward. There was so much racing through her mind, too much and her heart pounded so. “Please,” she muttered before hearing a shocked voice gasp out loud. “Who…”

“M’lady I’m sorry, so sorry. I… The Lady Seeker said if you woke to find her, right away.” 

“Where, is she?”

“The Chantry my Lady. Right away she said. Right away!” As if echoing the nervous anxiety from Lilith the voice rushed out the door, slamming it behind her, causing Lilith to jump again. “Okay, okay, breathe.” Lilith had her hand over her heart, her head swimming as she slowly opened her eyes to look about the room. Blinking several more times her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the sun. “What time is it? Or day?” Groaning she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. It had been soft, comfortable, and warm. Everything inside of her begged her to stay in that cocoon. Stay in the warmth. But she knew herself, knew well enough that she had to get up, there was no other choice. Running her hands over her arms she realized that she wasn’t wearing much more than a large tunic. Clearly one made for a man, a larger man as the sleeves hung over her fingertips and the hem sat nearly at her knees. “I must look like a child wearing her father’s undershirt.” Chuckling at that image she paused. But who’s shirt was it? She wasn’t home, that much was clear. That part of her memory returned.

“I would go, but your mother has taken ill and… I know it is a great thing to ask of you my pup, but these are desperate times.” Her father has tears in his eyes, that was burned into her memory, still as painful now as when she had agreed. After all this was the summit to end the war, the bloodshed, and all the horrors. A chance at true freedom. She’d agreed. Said she would leave with the small group of apostates heading to the Conclave. Not that she knew anything different. Her father had been one of the few from the old ways, when freedom was granted to the best of them. He’d left far away, as far as he could go, to Fereldan to live with his wife. Lilith had no siblings, no one other than her mother and father. He’d received the letter from an old friend, he’d said, and that there was no other choice but to go. For the safety of the family. But her mother drew ill, grew pale and did not rise from bed for a whole day. It was then it was decided that Lilith would go in his place. She’d swallowed every fear and bit of horror within herself and took the pack her father had put together for her. “Show them this letter. It bares an old seal that the Grand Enchanters are well aware of. This will grant you into the Conclave. Stay strong my child. Your mother will pull through, I promise you.” Pressing a final kiss to her forehead, those tears heavy in his eyes he watched her leave. Several times she turned around and there he still stood in the doorway of their home, until she could no longer see him. 

She met up with a small group of apostates, keeping to herself, as quiet as a mouse all the way to the Conclave. The rest was a blur and how she came to the basement of the Chantry in Haven even more of a blur. There was shouting, she remembered the angry voices, but nothing had sunk in. Even less as she was dragged through the village and up the mountain top. That was the start of all this, something about a mark, her hand, and the end of the world. That was really all she retained. 

Seeing a chest on the floor she tucked her hair back behind her ears and went for it. It was unlocked and within seemed some clothes that looked more her size. In silence she rushed to change, mindful of the shirt that had been her cover. “Maybe there is a name inside somewhere.” Once dressed she carefully looked in the collar, there were some gold looking threads. “C.S.R” She mumbled before folding it and laying it in a neat pile at the end of the bed. “I wonder who that could be.” Running her fingers through her hair she braided it into a long plait before looking about. “Pins, are there any pins about?” Seeing a few hair pins on the desk she relaxed. “Thank you.” Coiling up the plait she pinned it at the crown of her head, as she always did. There was something comfortable in the small things, the things she knew to do and always did. 

Now came the hard part. Looking at the door she began to wring her hands, her heart began to beat heavy again. “Okay, the Chantry. It shouldn’t be too hard to find. They all… they all look alike.” Waving her hands at her face she took in a couple deep breathes, “okay, you can do this.” Her hands trembled as she pushed against the wooden door. “Ha… ha ha, it’s a pull option.” Taking the handle, she could hear chatter from the other side, “that… sounds like a lot of people.” Slowly tugging it open she peeked out. “That is a lot of people!” Mumbling to herself she could see rows and rows of people lining the path to the little hut she’d been in. “Maker no. Nope, no, uh uh, just no.” Pushing it back closed again she pressed her head against the wood. “Oh, I can’t do that. No no, too many people. Why are they all out there? I’m dead, aren’t I? They’re waiting to lynch me the second I step out there.” 

“It’s the Herald! She’s with us!” A voice cried out, followed by a chorus of cheers and clapping. Lilith was left staring at the floor, uncertain of what to make of it. “Herald?” Raising her head, she knew she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Staying in this room wasn’t going to get any of her questions answered, nor was it going to make any sense. Her stomach growled loudly and guaranteed no one would estimate her food need and bring her something. “Alright, you win.” Patting her stomach, she stiffened her back, the tension already building. Taking in a long breathe she pulled the door open. Taking a tentative step into the sunlight she was stunned seeing people smiling and waving at her. “Our hero!” One yelled, “she closed the Breach!” Another waved, a wide smile upon her lips. Nodding and waving back Lilith looked about. In the distance to her left she could see a massive building. Has to be the Chantry, she thought as she walked down the path, people chanting and cheering. 

Her shoulders were set tightly, the muscle clenching painfully as she tried to maintain a normal walking pace. Not the urge to bolt, to run in sheer terror and scream that was clawing at her. Every eye was on her and she could feel their weight on her skin. Mouth dry she focused straight ahead; her vision set to the building with the sun burst flag hanging from the highest point. 

She couldn’t get into the building fast enough, and as her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, she ducked into the side area, away from any who could see her. Pressing her back against the wall she released the tension from her shoulders. Several deep breathes later she managed to calm herself. Peeking about the corner she could see several people milling about, some buried in paperwork a couple others chatting to each other, but all seemingly oblivious to her. Thankful for that she collected herself before heading down the lengthy hallway. There were several doors that branched off from the main walkway, but something was pulling her to the door at the end of the hall. As she neared, she caught a voice that sounded familiar to her. The woman from the basement, Ca… Cassandra! And another voice, an angry male. It instantly sent a shock of fear and anger. He was the one that blamed her, said she was a murderer. Her? A murderer? She was the one who cried when she killed a rabbit, even if she was starving to death. The one that said a small prayer as she skinned it and cleaned it for the stew. No, she was no murderer. Trained to protect herself, nothing more. Reaching for the handle, the door snapped open just as her fingertips graced the knob. “Oh!” She half jumped out of her skin, again her heart raced in her chest, threatening to burst from her. 

“Good, you’re awake.” Cassandra nodded, ignoring the blustering fat old man in Chantry robes. “I… yes.” Lilith stumbled over her words, her tongue feeling like lead in her mouth. Unsure what to say she pinched and twisted her fingers about themselves as she looked about. The man started yelling again and her hearing began to ring. Everything went silent in her mind, until Cassandra’s voice burst through. “No, Roderick you’re a glorified bureaucrat.” Lilith lifted her gaze to see the fire burning in Cassandra’s eyes as she declared something called the Inquisition born anew. Blinking several times, she smirked and stifled a chuckle as the man grumbled and rushed from the room. Bringing her hand to her lips she tried to hide her reaction. 

“I am sorry you had to see that.” Cassandra huffed as she stood next to Lilith. “How are you feeling?”

“I… I don’t know.” Lilith kept her head down, avoiding eye contact with the stoic woman. “I don’t remember much. I… Inquisition?”

“Yes,” Leliana purred, “do you know anything of the original Inquisition?”

“A little. It created the Templars didn’t it?” Lilith looked about the room, noticing two other people standing around a lengthy table, a map laid out with several markers upon it. “This is serious.” Running her fingers over the edge she was surprised that the map was made of a finer fabric, not the typical parchment papers. 

“It is.” A male voice broke her focus and made her jump. “We are looking to restore some order to this world. I do hope you will help us.”

“He… help? Me?” Half stumbling over the words she shook her head. “I… I’m not made for this sort of thing. I’m… I’m not that good.” 

“You don’t have to be perfect.” Another voice broke to her side, soft and reassuring. “I’m afraid to say that if you leave here, there is a very real risk that the Chantry will have you picked up and put on trial for the death of the Divine.” 

“But I… I didn’t harm anyone. I would never…”

“It doesn’t matter to them.” A long sigh came from the man. “But we are getting ahead of ourselves her.”

“Yes,” Cassandra cut in. “Let me introduce you to our people.” She went about the room starting with herself. Lilith lifted her head to focus, watching as the woman spoke, explained her role and those in the room. Repeating each name in her head she was determined not to forget them. They all seemed like very important, powerful people and if she was going to figure all this out, she needed to focus. Cassandra went on to explain the Herald comment she’d heard outside her hut and the view of the Chantry.

There was a simple fact hanging over her head, she was now the Herald of Andraste. Some prophet to help through the end of times. Which, she mused, was definitely now. There was a discussion of the Breach still being an issue and that her glowing hand was the only answer. She hadn’t given it much thought up to this point. It didn’t sting as it had when she raced up the mountain. It wasn’t pulsing or thrumming or anything she’d expected. It felt like her hand, minus the vibrant green glow that seemed to pour from it in soft waves.

“I guess I don’t have much of a choice either way. I mean… I want to help but I’m not… I…” her words jumbled in her mouth, her back slick with sweat as she wrung her hands, digging her toes in her boots. “I…”

“Are you not combat trained?” Cullen’s eyes narrowed. “You managed yourself well at the Breach. If you require further training…”

“No! No… My father taught me. I just… This is a lot.” Her mouth was dry, and her stomach rolled. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You will not have to do it alone.” Cassandra laid a hand on Lilith’s shoulder causing her to jitter again. “I will ride with you, as will Varric and Solas.”

“Alright.” Clearing her throat, she stood a bit taller, forcing herself to act. “My name is Lilith Trevelyan. I… I am a mage, but I was trained with a bow and arrow. I… I am absolutely terrified, but I want to do the right thing. I… I will join this Inquisition.”


	2. 2

She couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. Rushing back to her hut, she ignored the low moan of her stomach. It complained, grumbling and growling but she no longer felt the urge to eat. Every muscle in her shoulders ached, her upper back and her neck. She didn’t bother undressing as she curled up on the bed, only the soft poke of the pins caused her to rise. And only long enough to remove them before laying back down. 

Exhaustion blanketed her and as she yawned and closed her eyes, she prayed it had all been a dream. A nasty, terrible dream she would wake from and laugh about later. Since she had left her mother and father it’d all felt like some strange foggy vision. Slipping her glowing hand under the pillow she drifted into a light sleep. No where near the restful one she’d hoped for. Every little sound stirred her, and the mountain was full of them. The fennec rushed about in the crisp snow, the trees creaked and groaned. At some point in the night she rose, grabbed the blanket about her and sat on the floor by the fire. It seemed someone managed to get in and add some logs to it, preventing it from going out and leaving her cold. Probably a servant, she figured, no way someone like Cassandra would sneak about. It brought a chuckle to her lips thinking of the passionate woman full of fury and fire tiptoeing about her room, several logs in hands. Putting her pillow down on the floor, she curled up, the warmth of the fire inviting. Yawning again she watched the flames until her eyes closed.

It wasn’t long before the hard floor woke her again. Rising, the room still dark she tossed another log on the dwindling fire before climbing the side of the bed. Sleep came quickly again as she coiled into a cocoon, the blankets bundled about her. It didn’t last long, the ache of the floor had stiffened her side, and caused enough pain to make her half alert that she’d returned to her bed, as tightly wrapped as before, but she didn’t open her eyes. 

Sunlight bright and burning upon her eyelid made her grumble and wiggle to shield them. She was certain that she hadn’t had more than a few hours of rest and was in no mood to leave her warm nest. With the sun no longer offending her she let herself drift back off.

It wasn’t long before someone was banging on the hut door. “Herald your party is awaiting you!” Bolting up she straightened her hair and dress as quickly as she could, her mouth stumbling over platitudes. “Your pack and traveling wears are already prepared. Per the Seeker, your worship.” This settled her a little more as she finished braiding her hair. Rushing out the door she was met by a messenger, one of the ones she’d seen walking about. He motioned for her to follow him and she was quick to comply. 

Seeing the group ready to leave she gave Cassandra a nod of her head and a sheepish smile. Keeping her head down and not saying anything she followed along as Cassandra and Varric started to bicker. He seemed to delight in rousing her and to some degree it seemed like she enjoyed their verbal sparring matches in her own way. Solas walked with her in silence for a time before he finally fell back with her, “are you well?” His voice was soft and just low enough for the two of them. “I, I am not sure what to do here. Or why I am here, other than this.” Raising her glowing palm, she stared into the soft pulsing green light. 

“It would seem it can seal the rifts.” Solas continued along the path his face devoid of any true expression. “But how are you feeling?”

“Well I suppose. There is no pain, yet. I should be thankful for that. You were the one to do it, weren’t you? The one to keep me alive when this happened to me.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you,” Lilith’s cheeks flush as she looked up from her feet. They weren’t more than another hour’s walk from the edge of the Hinterlands. “I owe you my life.” 

“Think nothing of it.” Solas quickly uttered. “It seems we are in debt to you at the moment.”

“Oh.” Lilith swallowed hard as Cassandra drew her sword. “There are Inquisition agents fighting up ahead, we must help them.” 

“Stick close to me,” Solas motioned as he clutched his staff. Lilith held hers, and instantly her knuckles went white. She’d fought before, demons on the mountain, some bandits on the road, but this was new. Too many people rushing about, too many targets, not enough space. Focusing on her power she pulled each bolt she let fly, like that of an arrow from a bow. It was slower work, less powerful in range and space but just as deadly. Her mind was empty when she fought, not a sound echoing through her mind, everything about her flowed like molasses from a jar. There were muffled voices, yelling out, crying out as they died, as they called for re-enforcements, as the Inquisition agents called out positions, but it was all garbled to her. 

When the fighting was done and the agents began their work, Lilith felt like she’d slipped out of a fog. Was this really happening? How many had just died? It felt like only a moment had passed from Solas and her talking to now, standing in a charred battlefield that smelt of burned flesh. Is this what she was now? 

Cassandra’s voice barely reached her, but it was just enough to snap her from her foggy state. ‘Mother Gisele’, was the name that jogged her memory to the current time. Behind Cassandra was a flurry of action as people who were injured were carried to an area set for treatment. Her feet carried her forward as her arms shook. Clutching her staff tightly she tapped it against the ground as she walked, more to help steady the shivering of her nerves. Passing by Cassandra she looked back over her shoulder. Agents and some other people were busy collecting bodies and stacking them before a pyre. Others were busy helping the lesser wounded to get up and dress what minor wounds there were. More still were pulling in items, the Inquisition agents pushing to set up a settlement area. 

“You must be the Herald of Andraste.” Stepping from the side of the hut, Mother Gisele smiled, “I am glad you could make it. Just in time as well. Come, walk with me.” Sweeping her arm out, Mother Gisele walked with Lilith down past the hut and a little away from the crowds. In a hushed voice she spoke only loud enough for the two to hear, she mentioned a list of names that Leliana could use and a plan. “Speak with them, in Val Royeux. Turn them to your side.”

“Turn them? I… I don’t know…”

“If you have faith in yourself, then it will carry you through. Look about you. These things, you have done. You have led them towards this.” Mother Gisele softly waved her hand towards the group of Inquisition agents working on helping the wounded, building a temporary settlement, and gathering supplies. “If you can lead them here, make the changes and effort those above will not, you will gather them. I believe in you, young Herald. You must believe in yourself.” 

“Perhaps,” offering a weak smile Lilith licked at her dry lips. “For now, it seems I have work to do here.”

“There is much that is needed with these people. They are hurting, from lack of leadership to lack of faith. If you can aid them, they will be grateful. That gratitude can be of help to you as well.”

“I don’t do these things for personal gain, Mother. I wish to help because it is the right thing to do, and something I would wish for, were I there instead of here.” Lilith felt her shoulders relax as she drew in the next breath. “Thank you. Once we have finished what we can here, I will speak with my people about Val Royeux. As for yourself, what are your plans?”

“I plan on continuing to help the people, but I feel it will be more helpful to them to be at your base. In Haven. Yes.” Again, she smiled slyly before she tipped her head and turned from Lilith. “I will see you there, young Herald.” 

Lilith stood for a moment, watching over the organized section of chaos as people moved about, injured were tended to and Mother Gisele disappeared into a hut nearby. There was a point to helping these people and for her it wasn’t the ‘good image’ that the Inquisition needed that fueled her choice. It was the mother cradling her baby, tears running down her cheeks, and the look of relief upon her face as she reached their new safe area. That right there, solidified it for her. Seeing Cassandra come towards her, she felt her stomach tighten up, “we need to do whatever we can to help these people.”

“Agreed. Our man over there has a list of things we can do. Follow me, Herald, and we can discuss plans.” 

Lilith spent the better part of the next three days coordinating efforts in the area, personally seeing to the retrieval of blankets and supplies for the locals. As well as collecting food for those unable to go beyond the Crossroads due to the increased demon presence. Which in turn she helped again, leading a group to help close the near by rift and relieve more pressure before finally deciding it was time to return to Haven. Cassandra wrote back to the others, informing them of her deeds and the improved image of the Inquisition. Josephine was over the moon with excitement as she was beginning to finally receive letters back. Most in good standing, citing the effort in the Hinterlands. “If the Herald can continue with her good work, we might actually get the backing we need to pull this off.” Josephine sighed heavily as Leliana chuckled. “Oh Josie, you fret too much.” 

“Fretting it important when the coffers are as bare as ours and we are seeking more.” Shaking her head Josephine lit a new candle and picked up her quill. “They should be back from the Hinterlands in a days time. What do you think of Mother Gisele?”

“She seems genuine in her passion and commitment to the Inquisition. The list she provided will make things much easier. I can only hope we have no need of it.” Rising from the edge of Josephine’s desk Leliana calmly took the few papers before her. “I will have more word soon from Painter and Baker. The missing Grey Wardens is troubling, no?”

“I cannot say for certain. They are a reclusive group and little information is available on them. It could be nothing or something. But you are good at finding answers.” Nodding Josephine re-inked her quill tip the feather bobbed along as she spoke. “Another hour of work, I promise then I will turn in for the evening.”

“An hour Josie, I shall hold you to that.” 

Lilith lay on the bedroll, sandwiched between Cassandra and Varric, the soft sounds of Solas snoring blended in with the subtle wind catching the leaves of the trees outside. Several times now she’d tried, held her eyes closed and prayed for sleep to come. No. Instead she could hear the soft utterances from Cassandra, something in Nevaran, and the deep, heavy breaths of Varric. They were nearly in perfect rhythm with each other, mildly amused by that thought she smiled. 

It hadn’t been a hard day, walking along the path toward Haven she’d again, been privy to the constant bantering of the party. None of it had been an issue with her, not a single word uttered against her or about her. Even then she was still thinking of her reactions, each laugh under her breath, each time she uttered a snort in agreement with one or the other. Was that the right reaction? Did they think less of her for her outbursts? She was certain Cassandra scowled at the one smirk she’d let slip after Varric’s verbal barb. Chewing the inside of her lip she groaned and rolled to her back. Why? Why did her mind have to torture her so? There was more than enough evidence that the group did not have any ill thoughts about her, yet her mind was convinced she has wronged all of them. Offended them to their core.

Yawning she rubbed the heels of her palms over her eyes. ‘Think of something else,’ she murmured under her breath. There should be lots to think of, so many things had happened. The meetings with the counselors, the fights, securing the Hinterlands, there was much to think about. Too much. Feeling her heart beating heavy in her chest she took in a long deep breath. Steadying herself she remembered the tricks she’d use when she felt like this at home. Remembering the story of the Champion, her rise and tumultuous triumph over adversity. It was times like this when she needed to empty her mind that she imaged herself as the fable written Champion. All the witty conversations with her friends and the many exciting adventures. Slipping into the role in her mind’s eye she began, from the beginning, as she did most nights. It wasn’t long before finally, sleep came.


	3. Chapter 3

Arriving at Haven, Lilith’s stomach flipped about. Cassandra had stated to her that morning that the group had decided to invite her into the war room to discuss things. Seeing as she was the Herald and for lack of a better term, the face of the Inquisition, it would be only be fair to have her present. Discussing her next actions. 

Reaching the gates people came to collect their gear, sending them to be mended if needed or cleaned. It was an odd sensation to have someone do things for her. “If you wish to bathe and change we can meet afterwards. Say before nightfall?” Cassandra waited patiently for Lilith to nod before returning the gesture and continuing her march towards the Chantry. 

Turning towards the small hut she’d been in before leaving she was pleasantly surprised to see fresh clothes upon the bed, and a tub in the room, water sitting inside. Being a mage had its uses and one was to warm up a cold bath. The water hadn’t been in it for long either. She could see it may have been poured no later than that morning. Closing her windows and being sure to bolt the door, she stripped down, placing her clothes in a neat pile at the end of the bed upon the floor. Running her hand about in the water she quickly heated it up before gingerly stepping in. 

Cassandra groaned as she pinched the bridge of her nose, “we are arguing in circles. It seems we have no other choice than to leave the decision up to the Herald herself.”

“I can agree with that. It is her life in danger, and she should have the final say. This is more than we can ask of her.” Cullen huffed as he leaned back against the wall. He had argued the hardest that it was a major risk and he was completely against her going. She was a mage walking into the heart of the Templar Order. If there were any left loyal to those Chantry members, she was going to be in a fatal position. One he wasn’t even a little comfortable with. Leliana had fought him every step of the way, assuring that she could easily provide enough protection, offering Cassandra to travel with her as well. “Cassandra’s abilities will more than protect the Lady Trevelyan. There is little chance of harm befalling her.” 

“I said we shall see what Lilith wishes. It is her choice. We will make plans either way.” Cassandra tossed her hands up. “I stand by my willingness to travel with her and assure her safety. Furthermore, she will be here soon. We had best discuss the rest of the information from the Hinterlands. Cullen, you wished to update us on the recruits?” 

“Yes,” Cullen pushed off the wall and picked up several letters set out neatly before him. “Since your…”

“The Herald.”

“Yes, Leliana,” growling under his breath he continued. “Since the Herald’s decisions in the Hinterlands we’ve seen pilgrims arriving daily. There are many untrained men in their groups, but they seem to be willing, some even able. Given some time and effort and allowing the constant pilgrims we could very well have a good army within a month or two. Bear in mind I am being rather optimistic.” Flipping through the papers he passed one towards Leliana. “There are a few that stand out to me. Perhaps I am being paranoid, but I thought you should know.” 

“I am more than happy to take a look at these names.” Grinning she glanced over the list before nodding. “You were right to assume something was amiss. The third name is a lesser known pseudonym for a well-known Chantry spy. Leave him to me.” 

Lilith could see the sun beginning to set in the sky and was more than aware that she needed to get herself to the Chantry. Sighing heavily, she stuffed her hands into her pockets and began the slow march towards the looming building. Mother Gisele’s words were ringing in her ears. “Convince them,” she mumbled as she nodded towards Varric. In turn he smiled as he warmed his hands over the fire, “good luck in there Jitters. You can handle them.” Winking he let out a soft laugh as she nervously smiled back.

Arriving at the Chantry a few moments after she could hear yelling coming from the back of the long hallway. It was muffled at first, a low boom, words nearly unintelligible until she reached the door. Suddenly the yelling seemed to subside. More nervous now than before she cautiously pushed her way in. 

Everyone greeted her with warm smiles, “Lady Herald, we were just going over the current situation.” Josephine set her quill back into its holder upon her writing board. “You and your companions have done an impressive job in the Hinterlands. Due to your efforts we have garnered some aid from the surrounding areas.”

“That sounds good, but I’m just glad we were able to help those people. It was… horrible for them.” Shivering Lilith looked down at the map. It was different from the last time, new markers settled in new locations in difference shapes. An iron fist, a crow and something that reminded her of bells. She wanted to avoid looking into anyone’s eyes. Every time she did it always made her stomach twist. “And I know Mother Gisele said I should go to Val Royeux.”

“It is not safe.” Cullen huffed again, “and I cannot in all good faith ask this of you.” 

“You aren’t.” Lilith looked up slowly, tracing her eyes over his outstretched arm, he was collecting a small stack of papers. The bracers upon his forearms caught her attention, the symbol of the Templar Order embossed deeply into the metal. It was well worn, several dents and deep gouges near the outside of the edges. Settling that thought into the back of her mind she gazed up, seeing the thick fur of his cloak’s mantle. Flecked with reds and deep blacks she wondered what animal could possibly held such a warm looking pelt. He was remarkably handsome and not what she’d expected for someone in his position. While she’d seen him upon the battlefield it had been brief and she was too traumatized to remember much. The second time they met in this room, her mind erased the meeting, the thought of having to travel and be something she wasn’t prepared for was also a bit much. Now, she was finally able to take her time and glance about at the people in the room. And it was clear to her that Cullen was easy on the eyes and instantly her stomach fluttered. Feeling the heat rise to her cheeks she quickly looked away, nervous her face would be a brilliant scarlet. 

“I will accompany you to Val Royeux. Nothing will befall you.” Cassandra stood firm; her hands clasped behind her back. “Leliana, use the names Mother Gisele provided.”

“Do you really…”

“Yes. We will need any and all the help we can get. Lilith will need the protection you can provide.” Pausing she looked over to Cullen, who was clearly concerned and unhappy. “We will leave the day after tomorrow. That will give the blacksmith enough time to repair our equipment. I have faith that this is the best option we have.”

“Either way, we need to secure the aid of either the Templars or mages to seal the Breach properly. Otherwise it will remain an issue.” Cullen let out a long sigh as he reached up to rub at the back of his neck. “I believe we are done for the evening.”

“Yes,” Josephine nodded. “It is best everyone get something to eat and some rest. Things will move most quickly once the Herald travels to Val Royeux.”

“I hope so,” Lilith weakly smiled before she turned to leave. There wasn’t anything else to say, or any decision that she was asked to be part of. Leliana called her name, freezing her to her spot. “May I have a quick word?” 

“Alright.” Lilith nodded. Quickly each member left the room, leaving the two to their conference. Leliana quiet as a mouse moved to stand beside her. “I have a small favor to ask. Guaranteed you shall have to return to the Hinterlands, to Redcliffe if you so wish to procure the mages over the Templars. That being stated, there is a small issue I have run across. The Grey Wardens seem to be missing. I had gotten word there was one nearby. Grey Warden Gordon Blackwall.”

“So, you wish me to see if I can find him?” Lilith paused, crossing her arms. “But for what purpose?”

“The Order went missing shortly after or before the death of the Divine. We are not sure. If we could seek one out to speak to them, perhaps we could gain some insight. The Grey Wardens’ do not interfere in matters of politics. But this is a strange time to be missing. And with everything we are dealing with now, it would be a nightmare to add another Blight.” Leliana’s porcelain forehead crinkled up, “Fereldan has seen enough.”

“I suppose that serves a purpose. If I can, I will try.” Lilith offered a warm smile before she pushed open the door. “Is there anything else this evening?” 

“No. It would be a good idea for you to get some rest. You have a new member added to your traveling companions coming in the next few days. The Chargers, ran by The Iron Bull, have offered their services. They come well recommended and even lowered their usual fee. The Iron Bull himself has offered to personally keep watch over you.”

“Oh,” blinking a few times Lilith took a step out the door, slowly beginning the walk through the long corridor. “That sounds, interesting.”

“An extra weapon at your side is always a good thing. I shall have the proper documents brought to your quarters so you may read about them.” Leliana finished before falling into a casual step beside Lilith. “A pleasant evening, Lady Trevelyan.” 

Lilith watched her pace off towards a row of purple tents. Taking her time, she decided the next course of action. The sun by this time had disappeared behind the Frost Back Mountains and if it were even possible, it seemed the temperature had dropped further. Grasping herself tightly she decided to head to her hut and start a good fire. 

No one bothered her as she half rushed towards her plan, it seemed many had the same thought. Get somewhere warm for the night. Getting inside she was quick to make a good stack in the hearth. With a simple flick of her wrist the fire burst to life. Sighing heavily, she settled next to it on the floor. She needed to relax, her shoulders ached, her neck and her arms. Once again, she had clenched so many muscles as she stood there, her body hummed. Closing her eyes, she yawned, long and low. Maybe sleep was the best option. Grunting she heaved herself up off the floor and flopped onto the bed. Pawing at her boots she managed to get them off with one hand while she plucked the pins from her hair with the other. Completing both tasks, she hastily pulled the blanket up to her neck, curled onto her left side and quickly fell asleep. 

Cullen grumbled as he threw his arm over his eyes. Lilith Trevelyan was something incredible, unique and wonderous. From the moment he first laid sight upon her on the battlefield he was smitten. Something stirred within him in a new and miraculous way. She wasn’t like many of the women he’d seen before. No. Instead she wasn’t slender or large. His best description would be healthy with a supple curve. Not the typical mage form. And she held herself so meekly, as if the world about her might suddenly and violently turn on her. It was sad really, the depth of fear he was sure she constantly harbored. The last meeting he got a better chance to gaze upon her face and commit it to memory. Her face was heart shaped, with a soft clef in her chin. Above lay a thick set of plump pale pink lips. Her nose was average, a consistent bridge to tip in width with a small button tip. Full cheeks with a high bone kissed with faint freckles had him sighing. But above all were her eyes, a milk chocolate with a swirl of rose gold. They were impossible to miss against her pale creamy skin. Every time he’d seen her, she’d worn her hair the same way, braided and coiled upon the crown of her head. Little wisps of the spun warm earthy toned hairs edged her face. Even her voice held him captivated, it’s soothing alto timber that fluttered when she lost track of her thoughts.

Cullen grumbled as he threw his arm over his eyes. Lilith Trevelyan was something incredible, unique and wonderous. From the moment he first laid sight upon her on the battlefield he was smitten. Something stirred within him in a new and miraculous way. She wasn’t like many of the women he’d seen before. No. Instead she wasn’t slender or large. His best description would be healthy with a supple curve. Not the typical mage form. And she held herself so meekly, as if the world about her might suddenly and violently turn on her. It was sad really, the depth of fear he was sure she constantly harbored. The last meeting he got a better chance to gaze upon her face and commit it to memory. Her face was heart shaped, with a soft clef in her chin. Above lay a thick set of plump pale pink lips. Her nose was average, a consistent bridge to tip in width with a small button tip. Full cheeks with a high bone kissed with faint freckles had him sighing. But above all were her eyes, a milk chocolate with a swirl of rose gold. They were impossible to miss against her pale creamy skin. Every time he’d seen her, she’d worn her hair the same way, braided and coiled upon the crown of her head. Little wisps of the spun warm earthy toned hairs edged her face. Even her voice held him captivated, it’s soothing alto timber that fluttered when she lost track of her thoughts.

Throwing a loose tunic over his head and reaching for his mantle he decided his waking hours might be best spent in the war room going over the letters and searching the minutiae for answers. By now Leliana’s scouts would have reached Val Royeux and gotten a good feel for the situation at hand. And surely, she’d have that information ready for their group to read. Pulling up his boots he pushed out the tent flap and began the march to the Chantry. 

Outside was bitterly cold, cutting straight through him. Caring not a button for the change in temperature he marched on. He welcomed the sharp sting across his face, cutting through the more carnal thoughts that had begun to sink into his thoughts. Thoughts he did not want to lend any consciousness to. A single shiver slid up his back as he slipped into the Chantry building. Braziers were still going strong, the blanket of heat cupped his body, earning another shiver. 

Emptiness. That was the first sense he got. The instant feeling that he was truly alone. Not that it surprised him, after all, the hour was late. Walking as quietly as he could manage it wasn’t long till he was standing in his usual spot at the map table. It was subtle, but something was different. Placing his hands upon the table he gazed over the multiple pins, each showing a different objective that had yet been reconciled. The eye of the Inquisition was meant to note these where he, Leliana, and Josephine each had a custom pin dedicated to their agreed selection. On the option just outside of Haven he noticed the icon appeared to have another stuck behind it. Rifling through the papers on the table he noticed the one that matched. “Interesting…” Pausing he remembered the argument, how they had all been so torn between the three of them. How Cassandra refused to break the tie, concerned it would be viewed as favouritism. “Alright Lady Trevelyan, you might just be sent by the Maker.” Snatching the paper up he remembered the time. Too early to wake anyone, but soon as he was able, he needed to call a meeting. 

Lilith struggled to get her mind to sleep, tossing her thoughts back to the war table. One little metal icon. Nothing could shake her from this one little thought, her fear she might have offended someone with her decision. But it had seemed like such a simple choice. Something so quick it shouldn’t have been sitting for so long. Not when there were people who’s wellbeing resided upon these decisions. But having placed that little iron marker down, tucked ever so slightly behind the Inquisition emblem, she thought for sure she’d offended someone. Either Cullen or Leliana as she had selected Josephine’s more diplomatic option. Violence wasn’t necessary at every turn, nor was a show of force. Sometimes just asking politely or playing the Grand Game was the better choice. Her father had gone into great detail about the Orlesian’s favorite past time. Every smile calculated, every word carefully plucked at the perfect moment in order to ensnare the less knowledgeable, the inferior to their customs. It was one of the main reasons he avoided going to Orlais. He had the chance, a prestigious position in the Empire but he always knew there would be dagger always pointed at his back, and his family. Lilith was a curious child, one who wanted to know more about them. Fereldan referred to them with disgust, as they did in return. While those in Ostwick were unmoved. Due to that simple fact when her father was released from the Ostwick tower, he decided on Kirkwall for a time. When Meredith took control after the sudden death of the old Viscount, he moved them back to Ostwick. Just in time for Fereldan to suffer from the Blight. When the Blight cleared, the Chantry had begun to see its issues in Kirkwall. Avoiding that, he took them to Fereldan. It wasn’t hard to blend in with the others. Not after the Blight and all it’s damage. 

Grunting she sat up in bed, “How did I go from a damn metal icon to my dad’s choice to stay away from Orlais?” Running her hands down her face she more than realized what had led her to that thought. Grumbling again she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. It had to have been a week since she sent word to them about her, about all of this. Surely there should be a reply. But she hadn’t had the strength to check her mail pile. Taking a tentative step towards the desk, her stomach did a flip. “It’s not bad news, it’s not bad news.” Settling into the chair she could feel her mouth run dry, her throat parched. A large demijohn of sweet ale sat enticing her and she was more than willing to imbibe enough to get through the next few moments. 

It stuck out like a sore thumb; the family crest embossed in red wax. Her father always had a flare for the official documentation and lettering of things. Peeling back the wax she was careful not to break it. Setting it neatly on the desk she took another moment to look it over. House Trevelyan. “Modest in Temper, Bold in deed,” had been the family creed. Settled in the wax was a sturdy war horse, more commonly thought to be a work horse nowadays. Smirking to herself she wondered if this was some hidden clue to her future, this sudden position thrust upon her. Carefully unrolling the parchment, she actively held her breath. 

“Dearest Lilith, 

My darling girl I am without words in expressing how happy we are that you are safe. We had heard of the events surrounding the death of the Divine and the rise of a Herald. We held no belief that you are responsible for her unfortunate end. But the Herald of Andraste Herself? Maker what a thing. I have spoken at length with your mother, she wishes to come straight to Haven to stand with you, but I have urged her to remain calm and let things settle a bit first. I am certain you are quite busy in your new endeavour and we are more than capable of tending to our own. We love you, dearest daughter, and are incredibly proud of you. Once you dean it safe enough for us to come visit, we too will make the pilgrimage.

Sincerely, 

Leoric Trevelyan”

Tears began to stream down her cheeks, the sensation of missing her family weighed more on her now than it had before she’d read the letter. But that letter meant more to her that the simple paper it was written upon. While it tore at her she was also aware of their fragile position in Haven, and that it wasn’t truly safe for them. Not yet. More determined now than before she took her time, tenderly folding the letter up and placing it in her travel sack. Rising from the chair she let out a long yawn, her shoulders felt heavy and the little energy she had drained from her. Crawling back into her bed she closed her eyes as she tugged the blankets back up. In the morning she would return the letter. Being sure to thank them, and let them know how much she missed them, and just how much that letter meant at this time. If things went well, she might have a reply by the time they arrived back from Val Royeux. “Val Royeux…” it was the last thing she muttered before she fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Cullen could barely contain himself as they gathered about the war room table. Barely giving everyone time to get into the room before he began, “I think we should include the Herald in our discussions. She has proven to be of great aid to us and would buffer as an answer when we are deadlocked.” 

“I was thinking of this myself,” Cassandra nodded. “She is smart if not a bit nervous. This has proven however, to make for good choices. I am in agreeance. Leliana? Josephine?” Both women simply nodded their reply. “Good, then it seems we are finally all in agreeance on at least one thing.” Rubbing her forehead, she sighed, the stack of papers before her loomed like a dark ominous tower, be it only all of four inches tall. “Shall we…”

“I have sent word to her,” Leliana grinned. “Did you think I did not know?”

“That is…” Cullen closed his eyes tight and shook his head, “no never mind.” 

Lilith pushed through the door just at that moment, her cheeks red. “I… I was told you all wished to see me. Right away, the young girl said. She was rather scared and insistent.” Taking a step to stand beside Cassandra she watched as the three across from her exchanged quick glances before Josephine spoke up. “Lady Trevelyan, as you are no doubt aware of, we have been having issues as of late agreeing on topics. These topics are growing stagnant and the Commander…”

“I saw your selection on the board. You took quite the risk placing it there, but I can understand your selection and the thought behind it. So, I brought forward that you should be apart of these decisions. We are in dire need of a tie breaker and you have more than proven your worth.” 

“I… oh.” Blinking a couple times Lilith slowly smiled, her cheeks further reddening. “You, you approved of my selection? I thought you would be upset I hadn’t chosen your option.” His response started with a chuckle, “no. I strongly believe in one’s own opinion and the fact you were brave enough to place the marker shows your character. As did your actions in the Hinterlands. You are a good person Lady Trevelyan and your help would be much appreciated here.” Smiling warmly, he felt his stomach flutter when she returned his grin. “If you are ready, we can begin with some of the more pressing situations that require our attention. Lady Josephine can begin with the details.” Leaning back, he settled upon his sword as Josephine began reading the issues and presenting the options. 

Things moved much quicker without the bickering and fighting. Instead they managed to wrap up the old issues in less than an hour, finally able to settle on courses to take. Lilith could feel her body aching and her head throbbing as she struggled to maintain her composure. An hour had felt like a lifetime, but everyone seemed so genuinely happy and thankful for her presence. That made her slightly more comfortable. “I think it is best we take a break. Lilith could use some food and drink.” Leliana still wore her sly smile as she carefully placed her papers on the table. “We can pick this back up later this afternoon. If that is fine with you. You are set to travel tomorrow and if you need rest, we can work on this when you return. We have made very good headway.” 

“I… I would appreciate a break. Perhaps we can do a bit more after dinner? If you all don’t mind.” Lilith smiled weakly as the others nodded in agreement. “Perfect. I shall meet you all here after the dinner hour.” Turning she maintained a steady step before turning off to the empty chapel. Flopping down on a bench she let out a long breath. Everything hurt, and she felt like her chest was going to explode. Unable to get comfortable she rose from her seat and looked to the back of the room. There was a corner that was relatively well hidden. Dashing over to it she crumpled downed into a ball, stuffing herself as far back and away from prying eyes as she could. With her knees up about her chest she rested her head upon them, drawing in careful, slow, deep breaths.

“One, two, thr…” footsteps stopped her dead in her count. She’d heard a few go past but these seemed to be coming right towards her. Closing her eyes tight she wished she could just disappear, prayed that no one could see her or would stumble upon her form stuffed in this dark corner. Holding her breath, she listened intently, every clip of this person’s shoes echoed through her head like a hammer. “Dearest Lady, I ask a simple thing of you, please.” She recognized the voice immediately and her cheeks flushed bright red. “We seek to right the wrongs of this world and in doing so we place people in danger. I wish it were not so but there is no other way to go forward.” It was Cullen, clearly praying out loud as he must have felt he was alone in the quiet side chapel. “Some people, good people are leaving the safety of this place. They are tasked with convincing people to help and those people may not wish to do so out of a misguided sense of righteousness. I do not blame them, even if they are blind to the truth.” He was talking about them! She couldn’t believe her ears. This large stoic man who seemed to show little to no emotion was actually concerned about them! “I am frightened. Unable to do much save for the council I give here. I only I wish could personally see to her protection.” His heavy sigh made her jump, her hand flew to her mouth thankfully just in time to stop the squeal of shock. “If anything were to befall her, we would be lost. Our mission ended before it began, and I fear the world may suffer as well.” He couldn’t possibly be talking about her; no, it must be Cassandra he’s talking about since she was the one that started this Inquisition business. “I do not ask much of you, nor do I ask often. Just please, if you could turn your gaze towards her, please, please do so. Thank you.” Lilith could here him muttering the fifth canticle under his breath as she held her own.

Poking her head out she just caught him rise and turn to leave, “Commander, Cullen, there you are.”

“Cassandra, were you looking for me?” 

“I would like to speak to you in private if you have a moment.”

“Alright. Lead the way.”

“It is too open to discuss what I wish here. My quarters will be safest.” Lilith watched as Cassandra turned and headed towards the war room. Curiosity peaked she quickly rose from her spot and slipped across the room. Poking her head into the hall she watched again as Cullen and Cassandra popped into the room on the right beside the war room. “Hmm,” Lilith mumbled as she pushed herself back off the wall. It was at that moment she was torn between two thoughts. Go down the hall and see if she could hear anything being said or rush out the chantry doors and drown her sorrows in cheap ale. Cheap ale also came with a highly social and fascinating dwarf. Sating her curiosity might only lead to further upset. Chewing her lip she decided she was better with Varric and a pint than hearing what she already thought was happening. It was clear to her after all that Cullen and Cassandra were in a relationship and his prayer was for her safety due to Lilith. 

Dragging herself slowly down the hall and out the main doors she practically fell into the large torso of an impossibly tall man. “I am so….”

“No worries,” his voice was a soothing purr as she gazed up to see his face. “Name’s Iron Bull. The Iron Bull. Your personal bodyguard boss.” He wore a sly grin upon his lips, the dark leather eyepatch catching her gaze almost immediately. “I… uh…”

“Hey, since we haven’t had a proper introduction or chance to speak, why don’t you let me buy you a pint? Heard you have a tavern in this place.” He grinned wider and Lilith swallowed hard. She’d heard tales of the Qunari, heard how large the ox men were but never did she imagine she’d be right in front of one. “O… alright.” She nodded; her mind blank as she fell in step with the man. He was shirtless save for some leather binding he wore over his one shoulder. There was an intricate black tattoo that ran over his shoulders, something tribal in nature. Trying not to stare she returned her gaze to the path ahead. People quickly broke their stride to get out of the way of the two. Part of her was certain it was her they were trying to get back from, her glowing hand exposed for all to see. 

Bull pushed the tavern door wide and waved for her to enter. It was later in the day, just past the high tea hour and the tavern was almost empty save for her favourite dwarf who was set up in his corner, a quill in hand. “Varric,” she sighed heavily as she instinctively went towards him. “Friend of yours?” Bull stopped. “Didn’t know you were on a first name with people. Good to see you aren’t letting the title go to your head.”

“The title is garbage.” She snorted. “I am Lilith, nothing more.” Stopping in her tracks her brows furrowed. “I… am just Lilith amongst my friends.” 

“Friends. Got it.” Bull chuckled as he walked towards the bar keep. “Allow me to get you both a pint.”

“Sounds good.” Varric grinned wide as he plucked the small glasses from the edge of his nose. “Tiny is a good one Jitters. Old spy but an honest one.”

“Spy!?” Lilith blurted out as she pulled the chair back. “What… how?”

“Remember I told you I tend to care too much about my people to be in Leliana’s role? I also still have all my old contacts, and some new ones. Tiny is on our side, but he’s Benhassrath in nature. Use it to your advantage.” Varric spoke as he tided up his papers. “Now, you’ve been stuck inside that big old building all morning. Wanna talk about it?” 

“Absolutely.” Lilith sighed out as she leaned on the table. Bull placed the mugs before them all and Lilith began her story. She started with the sudden appearance of a servant requesting her immediate presence in the war room, then the awkward introduction to her newest responsibility. When she mentioned Cullen, her voice wavered, and her cheeks reddened. “Oh Jitters.” Varric purred, “sounds like Curly has your attention.”

“Curly?” Lilith paused, “why Curly?”

“Oh, you all haven’t seen his natural hair. Why in Kirkwall, Hawke used to call him noodle head.” Varric burst into laughter at the statement, joined by Bull and a bashful Lilith. “He must go through a ton of product.” Bull mimed patting his fingers into his palm and applying to his non-existent hair. “Yes, I am in Command of this unruly mane.”

“MANE!” Varric half spit out his drink, barely catching himself before dowsing Lilith. “Shit, Tiny that’s beautiful. Might have to weave that into one of the next issues of Swords and Shields.” Retrieving his quill and inkpot he hastily scrawled something onto a piece of parchment before reaching for his drink. “Beyond Curly and his good looks, how are you doing Jitters? You’ve been extra jumpy lately.”

“I… It’s been a lot to handle.” She looked down into the mug, the rich amber ale held little foam bubbles that lined the surface. When she swirled the liquid, it made a small cyclone, amusing her for a moment. “I’m not one to be out like this. At all. Really. Just a quiet farmer.”

“Farmer?” Bull nearly shot his drink out of his nose in shock. “You can fight though right?”

“Oh yes. Father made sure I knew all the Circle basics and then some. I just prefer working in the soil. If that makes sense.”

“Kinda does.” Varric sighed. “Listen we were all something else at one time. You’re doing alright just as you are.” He took his hand and placed it on hers. “But let’s not drown sorrows now. We’ve got a new friend. Have you had a chance to talk with Tiny. He’s famous around nearly all of Orlais.”

“Really?” Lilith’s eyes lit up as she turned to see the hulking man let out a bellowing chuckle. Instantly he went into stories. So fantastical that Varric could barely keep up writing out notes for future use. He went on to explain his role in the Qun and somehow Lilith found it soothing that he spoke on it. Especially so candidly before Varric. Even Varric seemed impressed with him. 

Several ales later and a half dozen storied between Varric and Bull time had flown, and the tavern was beginning to fill with people whose duties for the day had ended. “I… I need to go back.”

“But you haven’t eaten.” Bull frowned. “When was the last time you had a solid meal? Honestly.”

“I… while we were on the road.” Faking a smile, she shrugged. “I’m fine. Don’t need much.”

“Lies.” Bull shook his head. “Boss you need to take care of yourself. You get going but I’m having food brought to your quarters. I’ll have a messenger keep an eye on the Chantry.” Smirking he looked over to Varric. “You in?”

“Someone has to take care of her Tiny. Course I’m in.” Varric waved over to the waitress and lifted his mug. She nodded and made her way back towards the bar. “Go on, we’ll take care of everything else.”

“I… thank you.” Again, she turned nearly beat red as she downed the last of the ale, thankful for the warm tingle traveling through her. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yes, we’re both going I assume.” Bull turned to see Varric nod. “We’ll make sure nothing touches you boss. Now get going before they send someone looking for you. Wouldn’t want it to be known the Iron Bull held you back.” Lilith nearly spat out her drink. Bull had tried to wink at her, knowing full well he only had one eye visible. “Right. On it.” She stood and half mockingly saluted. “Till next time.” 

Walking out of the tavern the night sky had begun to creep over the horizon. Patches of purples and rich peach tones splashed across the Frostback Mountain. Seeing such a beautiful sight she stopped a brief moment to gaze as the sky began to spread its blanket of stars, twinkling and shining against the navy darkness beginning to cloak the valley. Wrapping her arms around herself she sighed heavily. If only she could sit in her room and watch the light fall. Instead she was walking down the path to the war room. To go over some more issues and lend her opinion. It did have some perks to it. Cullen. Maker’s breath he was gorgeous. How fair was it to make someone like that literally in charge of her!? Even as she walked through the chilly evening breeze, her cheeks and neck felt scalding. But there was that conversation in the chapel, and the interruption by Cassandra. What could it all mean? And more importantly did she really want to know. Maybe it would just be best to live in the fantasy. A strong, bold, man with caramel eyes, golden hair interested in her, thinking of her. Even if it wasn’t true, she could dream. No one could take that away from her and no one would be the wiser. Grinning to herself she hurried her pace, a brisk speed walk to get to her destination.

Cullen sorted through the new pile of papers, letting out a huff as he did so. They had made so much progress only to have it all undone in a matter of hours. Seeing as the pile looked as tall as it had been before. Petty squabbles, serious issues, unknown threats, and many other in between. Things that he was trying his best to prioritize. Lilith had proven to be a valuable aid, but he could see many times when they were discussing plans and operations that she was sensitive. Some things hurting her and others clearly weighing heavily upon her, almost to a physical gravity. Seeing her struggle to maintain her composure before them hurt him inside. Tugging at his core to the point he wished he could pick her up and carry her away from it all. In order to make it easier for her he was spacing out the harder cases with the easier or lighter ones. Making a mental note to watch his tone and try to remain as level and cool as he could. 

“Are you sorting for ease?” Leliana seemed to just appear next to him, giving him a startle. “Yes.” He tried to mask it was a quick response. “Trying to make it less shocking for her.”

“Good. We need her focused and present. Heavier topics spread out between lighter ones should make it easier.” Leliana nodded and added a few more letters. “These are simple ones. I have no more after that.”

“Good. Perhaps we shall be out of here before the dead of night.” Josephine grinned as she entered the room. “I only have two small issues, and unfortunately one is her extended family. Has anyone spoken to her amongst us?”

“No.” Cullen bashfully replied. “I suppose we should all try to find some time and speak with her. We shall be working together for the foreseeable future.”

“Yes.” Leliana nodded. “I have spoken only briefly with her. Not more than a few moments really. She seems quite convinced that she is not worthy of this title or role within the organization. She’d have joined on her own, but never at this level.”

“Interesting.” Cassandra mused, “she has proven more than capable.” Shaking her head, she crossed her arms. “Let us focus on working with her and keeping her as comfortable as we can.”

“Agreed.” Cullen nodded before he brought his gloved hand up to his face, his finger over his lips. “Shh, I hear someone coming.” Lilith arrived slightly colder than she’d hoped for and was thankful for the braziers and constant heat. Greeting everyone as she normally did, she was hoping this would go as smoothly as earlier. 

Cullen’s plan had worked throughout the entire meeting, her mood was high, and they seemed to plow through most of the documents. So much so he kept pushing the big one back. Back and back until it was the last one. “I’m sorry to make mention of this Lady Trevelyan but we have little choice. It seems a cousin of yours in Ostwick is making claims to your direct confidence. He is making some very harmful claims that could cause the Inquisition issues in the future. We have no knowledge of your family life. We had heard it said that one could not swing a cat in all of Thedas without hitting a Trevelyan.” Offering a weak chuckle, he quickly cleared his throat. “We decided to leave this decision on how to handle this cousin to you.” Pausing a moment, he outlined his solution, then Leliana offered hers and finally Josephine. 

Lilith sat a moment and pondered the options. Cousin Albrechet wasn’t even a cousin really. He was one of the long distant relatives who tried to grasp onto the namesake and some semblance of power associated with it. “Leliana.” It was the only word she could come up with. Albrechet had stepped on the family toes many times in the past and her mother had a deep dislike for the obese slob. Scaring the life out of him would make her very happy. Grinning slowly, she let out a soft chuckle. “For mother.” 

“For mother?” Cullen repeated it, his eyes locked on her. “If that is what you wish…”

“It’s a long story. Perhaps one day I’ll share it.” She continued to smile before she let out a sigh. “But we leave for Val Royeux in the morning, right?”

“Yes,” Cassandra nodded. “All of the preparations have been completed. There is no reason to further…”

“Commander Cullen! Sister Leliana!” A messenger came bursting into the room, “we have word, there are Templars heading towards Val Royeux!”


	5. Chapter 5

Cullen growled, “Templars!? What has the Chantry done?” He was pacing back and forth, the tension in the room growing as the messenger passed the scroll to Cassandra, bowed and left. Lilith froze. Her magic would be useless against a large group of Templars, even more so that their small group would easily be out classed by one of the best armies in all of Thedas. Her heart began to pound in her chest. “What…”

“We will go.” Cassandra stated as she finished reading over the letter. Handing it to Leliana she turned to Lilith. “No Templar or group of Templars would ever think of acting out against a Seeker. Not for one moment. With me standing beside you, there will be no questions.” Looking over she shook her head, no, to Cullen. “We do not need armed guard or soldiers marching into Val Royeux. We will appear, try to reason with the remaining Mothers and see what can be done to get this hole in the sky closed!” 

Cullen grumbled, louder than he intended and the look of horror in Lilith’s eye pushed him to speak. “Can you guarantee her safety against an army? Templar or not, some may break through.”

“We will take Bull, Solas, Varric and myself. You could travel if you we so concerned, Commander.”

“You know fully well enough I cannot leave my post. Rylen is not due back for another several days at the soonest. There is no feasible way he could return sooner either.” Huffing loudly, he looked to Lilith, “I am sorry, I do not wish to panic you. What you aim to accomplish in Val Royeux will give us the ability to seek the help we need. Many parties are watching us, and some have offered aid while others wish to see more. A show of some kind will make it so we can progress forward. Whether we seek the aid of the Templars or the aid of the rebel mages in Redcliffe, this journey must first be completed.” Letting his shoulders slump he shook his head. “The hour is late. It is probably best we all retire for the evening.”

“Agreed.” Leliana finished. “I will see what news my messengers can gather in Val Royeux. Word will reach you when you arrive with all you will need.”

“Good. We shall leave as soon as everyone has had breakfast.” Cassandra turned to Lilith. “Is that alright?”

“Yes.” Lilith nodded slowly; her eyes still locked on Cullen. He had fought passionately and now seemed so defeated. Would he have opted to travel with them if he could? It seemed as if he would, but why? Cassandra had told her in their travels the main reason Templars and mages alike were afraid of Seekers. They each had an inherent ability and Cassandra’s was lighting the lyrium in both group’s blood on fire. Something she’d told Lilith, something Lilith said she could only imagine being absolutely horrendous to experience. Cassandra ensured her that to date she’d only used it a handful of times, and not to the full degree that led to death or permanent injury.

As everyone shuffled out the door, Lilith went straight to her little hut. Another sleepless night may face her here or tomorrow night and whatever she could get now would be critical. What would she say to these Mothers? How would she convince them? As she readied for sleep, she tried to push it out of her head, but as she laid herself down, it was all she could think of. She finally fell asleep, the image of her standing upon a stage, the Mothers grumbling and listening beneath her, stuck sharply in her mind’s eye.

Travelling to Val Royeux was interesting. Bull was quite the character and as Lilith began to realize, quite charming as well. Varric and Cassandra continued to bicker like an old married couple. Solas was a constant sense of comfortable silence. The quiet and calm of the little storm. When she felt her magic and summoning was off, she would seek his aid and listen intently for hours to his explanation of the Fade and many of the things he’d seen there. 

When they arrived at Val Royeux, they were greeted by a messenger with information on the Templars. Cassandra was not the least bit happy at what they had to say, “us!? Protect them, from US!” 

“Seems we might have a bit of trouble on our hands Seeker,” Varric shook his head as a slender woman in an owl mask screamed and ran the opposite direction of them. “Seems the Mothers have spent a good amount of time teaching a certain lesson.”

“I can fix this.” Lilith grit her teeth. “I am no monster.” 

“No one said you were Jitters.” Varric put his hand her back, giving her a gentle pat. “We’ll get the help we need.”

“I know.” She turned and began to walk towards the center of the square. It was low at first a grumble in the distance, but as they got closer the sound grew louder. In the heart of it a woman in Chantry robes preaching to the gathering crowd. Lilith was unmoved by the woman’s words and when she recognized her and pointed her out Lilith responded. “While you stand upon your stage and speak words of hate and cowardice, we, the Inquisition have been out helping the people. We seek to seal the sky and restore balance to Thedas. We could do this, together.” 

Cassandra followed beside her, her speech clearly swaying the crowd. But while it seemed to turn some of the Mothers, the main woman was set on introducing the valiant return of the Templar Order to the Chantry. Something the Knight Commander seemed uninterested in. He too was full of bluster and air as he ranted before the crowd. Lilith just sat there, her mouth agape. “Was it necessary to react with such meaningless violence?” His reply was empty as she knew it would be. Cassandra gave some mild chase only to be chastised. “Some of your own have joined our ranks, to do better for Thedas. Will you not stand and lend aid?”

“Our Commander is a Templar. Will you not join him?” Cassandra seemed to plead, and Lilith stood stunned. Why hadn’t she figured it out before? The insignia upon his bracers. All the men before her now had the same embossed metal bracers, the Order’s flaming sword set deep into the piece of armor. But he didn’t treat her like the Templars she’d met before and he had to have known she was a mage. Surely, he’d hate her, right? All this floated through her mind as the man berated Cassandra before ordering the group out. Several lagged behind and she yelled out again, “Haven welcomes any and all.”

Cassandra was still fuming as they walked towards the path to Haven. In silence they traveled for some time. Until nearly arriving when Cassandra went on an hour-long rant, Varric’s constant prodding not helping in the least. They’d sent word back the second they finished discussing the current downfall of the Chantry with the bruised Mother. 

Lilith couldn’t help but feel the entire effort was a massive waste of time, even though she was incredibly proud of herself for speaking up as she had. Speaking loudly, clearly and with intelligence. It was something straight out of a book to her. Something she’d dreamed of doing but never had the chance or courage before to do. Maybe someone might remember her for what she’d said that day. She knew it would be some time before she forgot.

When they arrived back at Haven, she’d noticed that nothing really seemed to have changed. No one was rushing about preparing for something crazy. Lilith wasn’t entirely sure how to take it as they marched straight to the Chantry. Varric, Solas, and Bull peeled off, each uttering a simple excuse before disappearing towards the tavern. “Maybe I should….”

“No, Herald.” Cassandra still hadn’t stopped to speak with her, just continuing to push towards the Chantry. “You should be in the room and deciding which direction we should take in this moment.” 

“Oh, well, alright.” Lilith wasn’t going to argue when she could see how dead set Cassandra was. As she slammed her way through the door she was met with Cullen as he appeared out of the chapel. “Leliana will already be on her way, I will go and get Josephine. We will meet you in the war room.” He uttered it quickly before running off down the hall towards the Ambassador’s office. 

Lilith crossed her arms over her chest, things suddenly felt heavy like she was gearing up to make one of her hardest calls to date. Drawing a deep breathe through her nose and slowly blowing it out between her lips she bit down upon the inside of her lip. Standing awkwardly at the table her eyes were locked to the two new icons. Each was like a replica of Haven, and their locations seemed familiar on one but not on the other. “Redcliffe.” She uttered as she looked at the icon. It was sitting perfect over the village of Redcliffe just a short trek from the Hinterlands. 

“Good you both have arrived.” Leliana came in, Cullen and Josephine close behind her. “We can discuss our plans to close the Breach. By reaching out to the mages in Redcliffe.”

“Or the Templars.” Cullen grumbled. “The Lord Seeker was not in the most charitable mood when we met with him in Val Royeux.” Cassandra shook her head. “But we did receive an invitation by the mages to talk in Redcliffe. With that much power we may be able to…”

“Templars could supress the Breach and make it easier for the Herald to seal it completely.” Cullen’s brows furrowed tight as Leliana went to open her mouth and he over spoke her, “I was one once. I know what they are capable of.” 

“You were?” Lilith uttered the words out before her brain had connected the context. “I mean….”

“Were. I am one no longer.” Cullen shook his head. “But this is getting us nowhere. Lady Trevelyan, you will be the one to lead them. To take the risk at the end of this all and use the magic or suppressive power to seal the Breach. What way do you feel would be best?” 

“I… I would like to travel to Redcliffe. My father said that Grand Enchanter Fiona is a reasonable woman. That Lord Seeker frankly seems insane.” Shivering at the thought of having to work with the Lord Seeker she shook her head. “We can leave as soon as possible.” Keeping her composure, she scanned the room. “I will take the entire team we originally took to Val Royeux just to be extra cautious, Commander.” Trying to soothe him with her words she added one more line, “we shall see if they are receptive.” 

“As you wish,” Cullen resigned himself to her choice, as of the moment they did not know either way what would happen. Keeping calm, he drew in a quick breath, “we should all get some rest, that way you could make leave by morning light.” 

“Excellent point,” Cassandra barely stifled the yawn. Once they had left Val Royeux, she’d pushed them hard to make good time returning to Haven. “I will let the others know.” Lilith offered as everyone began to head out the door. “I have already taken care of it.” Leliana chuckled as she held the door wide. “Get some rest. The hardest part is soon to come.” 

Lilith slept well for the short amount of time she got, and when she woke up her mood was much improved. Everything was amazing and she was certain nothing could dampen it. Readying for the journey she packed a couple extra bottles of ale, and as they began, she carried an old sea shanty upon her lips. Her mood stayed sharp and bright all throughout the journey, her mood seeming to pique as they crossed the bridge to the sleepy village of Redcliffe. Even when the rift opened above the gate she fought with a smile. When the messenger said that no one was expecting them, even though she was confused she still felt no different. 

“What do you think that means Seeker?” Varric grunted. “We saw the First Enchanter herself in Val Royeux unless we were all sucked into a Fade dream together. Which this time I’m betting didn’t happen.” 

“I know Varric,” Cassandra grumbled as she rubbed her forehead. At least we know to go to the tavern. But Tevinter? Here?”

“Let’s speak with the First Enchanter. Surely this must all have a reasonable explanation.” Lilith urged as she let out a long yawn. “Oh, excuse me.”

“It’s been a long day,” Cassandra sighed. She wasn’t wrong. Night had just begun to fall over the village as they entered the Chantry doors. By now it would easily be dark out and the rest of Redcliffe beginning to wind down from their day as well. “Can we call this for tonight? We can get in a good rest before we meet with the Grand Enchanter tomorrow morning. Replenish our supplies at camp?” Everyone uttered a quick, “agreed.” 

Laying in her bed, Lilith remembered the night before they left Haven. She’d paused at the war room door. Something inside her wanted to wait, to ask. As the ladies left the room she licked at her dry lips, “Commander may I ask you a few questions?”

“Of course, how can I be of assistance to you?” Cullen steadied himself, trying his best to remain as neutral as possible but ever mindful that he may have been large or intimidating to her. Something he definitely didn’t want to do. “Would you care to speak outside, or is in here…”

“We could walk,” holding the door open she waited for them to exit and begin down the corridor. “Forgive my curiosity but you said you were a Templar? What does that mean if I may ask?” 

“I no longer am part of the Order; I have relinquished my vows.” Clearing his throat, he slowed his step to follow beside her. “Is there a reason you ask this?”

“I noticed your bracers, and since you seem to be rather friendly towards me, I was confused. I was always told that Templars hated mages.” Lilith toyed with her fingers behind her back as they walked. Something to keep her focused on the questions she had. “The Templars where I come from aren’t necessarily known for their pleasant manner. In fact, most were quite surly.” 

“I am not surly, thankfully.” Weakly chuckling, he was struggling to keep his composure. This was the first time he’d been able to speak with her in turn since they met. And everything inside of him was fluttering, as long as he could steer the conversation to less risky topics, he would be able to keep his calm. Unless… but there wasn’t any chance she’d ask those kinds of questions. 

“Cullen. Do you… do you hate mages?” Lilith waited for his reaction, nervous but in dire need of the answer. “No. I did once, but that was less of me. I endeavour to be a better man.”

“Oh,” Lilith was stunned for a moment, it wasn’t quite the answer she was expecting. Part of her had anticipated that he was going to say something along the lines that his behaviour was solely due to her rank within the Inquisition. They needed her, whether she liked that idea or not. Without her glowing palm there was little to no hope for the rest of Thedas. Unsure what to say next she noticed they were walking now towards the tavern. Instantly she began to panic. Walking was fine, she didn’t have to look into those mesmerizing pools of caramel. Because the good Maker himself had to have known that if she looked into those eyes, she wasn’t going to be able to form a single syllable and her cheeks would melt off. “I uh…” trying to think of any possible excuse she wasn’t paying attention to her steps. Taking a poor step upon the freshly snowed pathway she slipped. It wasn’t a do or die slide, in fact she more than likely would have corrected and righted herself. Would have. Had Cullen not reacted like a hair trigger. Reaching out he snatched her and quickly righted her. “Are you alright? The snow has made the paths slightly treacherous.” His eyes gleamed with genuine concern and Lilith wanted to run. High tail it out of there as fast as her feet would carry. 

“I think perhaps I should turn in. I guess I’m tired.” Avoiding looking into his eyes she prayed the colour in her cheeks would play off as shock or some form of fear from nearly falling. “I mean, we leave for Redcliffe in the morn and it would be better for me to get some rest.” Now she was silently screaming at herself to shut up. Stop talking. You don’t need to explain any more. Just leave. “I… good night Cullen.” Righting herself and pulling away from him she flashed an awkward smile before turning and rushing away. She didn’t stop running till she slammed the door and braced her back against it, her breath heavy as she struggled to catch it. 

Cullen stood stunned, unsure what had just happened. One moment he was settled beside her, enjoying a peaceful walk and then she slipped. How rosy her cheeks turned when he grabbed her. How soft her doe eyes became. Oh, for all his worth that moment would be burned into his memory. But she ran. Nearly as fast as her legs could carry her. Smirking to himself he wanted to dare to believe it. Believe she was so rouged by him. Stuffing his hands into his pockets he continued his walk to the tavern, intent to treat himself to a large ale. 

She dreamed of the interaction with Cullen, the way his caramel eyes seemed to care intensely. It was better than the thought of what she had to do next. Speaking with Grand Enchanter Fiona. Had she heard of her father or their family name? Would she be willing to entertain an alliance to secure the Breach? Her father had said she was a very reasonable woman, but one easily swung by her heart, and she’s maybe just made a deal with Tevinter. Appealing to the health and wellbeing of her people might be the easiest way to break any potential tie. Securing the last of her gear she followed in line with the group as they left towards Redcliffe’s tavern. Walking away from their tents she remembered leaving Haven nearly two weeks back. How she took one last look back and she was certain she noticed a particularly familiar reddish mantle and black fur standing at the gates, watching them leave.


	6. Chapter 6

She thought about their journey and it was one where she got to learn a lot more about her companions. Ones she was eager to call friends. Her favourite was Iron Bull. He was a roar of fresh air in the group. Always making light of things and entertaining as well as reassuring. It was like he could read her, the first person to understand her ever. Rarely did she need to explain things to him, it was as if he just knew. Varric was always a friend, it seemed he just naturally filled that role. Always there to listen and offer an amusing story or some quirky antidote. Her favourite was the answer for why he never gave an opinion. “Opinions are like testicles, kick them hard enough and it doesn’t matter how many you have.” Oh, how she’d laughed, laughed so hard she snorted. Which in turn made everyone else laugh, even the Seeker herself seemed to delight in her joy. 

Their newest companion was an interesting man himself. Warden Blackwall, or just Blackwall as he preferred. Around the campfire he would tell the most wonderous tales of how he survived when his whole company either died or very few made it out in the strangest manners. And each night he cooked, Maker she loved his cooking. Always the most flavour and the softest meat. The man knew his way around a pot that was for sure, and she was more than happy to bring him along. And made a mental note to always bring him along. 

Arriving at the gates to Redcliffe they were greeted by a sudden eruption of a rift. Demons poured out as they hustled to get into a position to attack. Again, it felt like she had to be ever mindful of her targets, with two warriors rushing forward, swords and shields drawn, she was cautious not to hit them. There had to be a better way to use her magic, she thought as she focused on impact and precision strikes. 

Cassandra led the group towards the large tavern. Sure enough, they received many strange glances upon their arrival. Yet the Grand Enchanter herself welcomed them. Even if she seemed confused about their presence. Quickly she explained the situation to the group, the sudden agreement to servitude within the Tevinter empire. Lilith couldn’t begin to register exactly what had just been said. Even she knew the evils of Tevinter and the large tendency towards the use of blood magic. In all of Thedas they could not have picked a worse ally. “Are you mad?” Lilith sputtered out, her hands firmly upon her hips, her staff secured to her backside. “Stark raving mad?” 

“Mad? No we are desperate. The templars are closing in. We have children here!” Fiona spat back, her cheeks growing flushed. “It is a moot point we have already agreed. We cannot bargain in good faith. I am truly sorry Inquisition.” 

“Well,” a voice boomed from behind them, “had I known agents of the Inquisition were coming I would have been here to welcome you properly.” It was easy enough to assume who he was, a mage from Tevinter. His attire was strange, all spikey and sharp angles, something not seen in Fereldan. “My name is Magister Alexius; I hold claim over these mages and any bargaining will have to be done with me. Care to take a seat? Felix, please fetch some parchment so we may write our agreement out properly.” Waving his hand towards a table not far off, the group sat down, Blackwall and Solus opted to stand. “Now what did you require the use of the Southern mages for, if I may be so bold in asking.”

“To seal the Breach of course.” Lilith was instantly put off by this man, his energy made her skin crawl and the look in his eyes had her back against the chair. “But before we get to this negotiation I have to know, why? Why come from Tevinter just to indenture a large group of mages?” 

“I was in the area dealing with business when I heard of their plight.” He grinned wide. “But that is of little import. Come Felix the parchment please… Felix?”

The young-looking man was staggering towards them, a look of pain upon his lips. Lilith reacted and stood quickly in order to aid the man. She wasn’t a small woman a little under five foot six and a clean hundred and eighty pounds. Bracing herself on her heels she easily caught the man. “Easy, I have you.” She smiled as the man mumbled something upon her shoulder. There was a sudden movement and a paper thrust into her palm. Closing her hand around it she moved it to her hip pouch, hiding it away. It was clear to her the young man went to great pains to secretly pass her the note. “Felix!” Alexius rose and was at the young man’s side just a moment after she pocketed the note. “I think he’s alright.” Lilith helped steady him upon his feet. “But perhaps…”

“Felix, we need your powders! Inquisition we will have to conclude this meeting later. Fiona! I require your aid at the castle.” Yelling his commands, he scooped Felix up and helped half carry him out the door, Fiona hot on their heels. 

“Are you kidding me?!” Lilith grumbled, it had already been one of those days. A day where nothing was right and everything was horrible. No matter how much she wanted to she was having a down day and this event was doing nothing to help. “Fiona has lost all of her mind! The templars would never have stormed Redcliffe, not at the risk of angering the King himself! Now I am guaranteeing the King will get involved.” Pressing her fingers tips to her temples she grumbled again. “Foolish, foolish sow!” It was then she remembered the paper in her pouch. Reaching quickly she retrieved it. “Hey Jitters, what do you have there?” Varric peeked over. “It seems Felix had a message for me.” Holding it up she read it out loud, “meet me in the Chantry. You’re in danger.” Rolling her eyes she let out a long sigh, “when am I not in danger.”

“When you’re with me boss,” Bull grinned before putting a more serious expression on. “But you know that’s a trap, right?”

“Oh, at this point, let’s just go get it over with.” Huffing again she took the staff off her back and began the march out the doors. “Cassandra where is the Chantry in this little pleasantville.” 

“To your right, keep going through the pathway to the end. You cannot miss it. And I agree with Bull, this is most likely a trap.”

“Can’t trap someone who knows it’s a trap.” Blackwall chuckled. “There are enough of us as well.”

“Good point Hero.” Varric chuckled. “They never expected Bianca.” 

“Then let’s crash a trap.” Lilith grinned as they marched, her staff loudly clipping off the stones, people moving to get out of her way. It wasn’t far from the tavern, just as Cassandra told her and soon, they were all standing in front of the door. Blackwall gripped the handle, “on three. One, two, three!” Putting his shoulder into the door they spilled into the front area, to see a man battling a horde of demons, “oh good, you’re here. Could you kindly close this damnable rift!” 

Lilith moved trying to distort the rift to prevent more from pouring out. As the magic threaded about the rift she noticed the demons seemed to be moving differently as if the rift itself was controlling them and perhaps the area about it. Even the rift seemed to struggle and contort under her efforts. “We need to kill the demons, I can’t… It won’t let me.” Gritting her teeth, she continued to try with one hand while pointing her staff and casting with the other. There had to be a better way than this, she thought as she finally managed to feel the familiar tingle that signalled the closing of a rift. 

With the rift closed, she turned her attention to the remaining shade demons. As the last one fell, she sighed out heavily, “today can end any minute now.”

“You can say that again,” the mage grinned. “I apologize, proper introductions first. Dorian of house Pavus, formerly of Tevinter.” With those word he bowed with a flourish. Chuckling he paused, “you don’t even know how that works do you? Just point and hope for the best. Marvelous.” 

“It works and that’s about it.” Lilith shrugged, “Lilith Trevelyan, supposed Herald of Andraste, and agent of the Inquisition. I was expecting Felix.” Looking about she crossed her arms, “what is the meaning of all this, and the rift. It did something to the demons, like they were stuck moving backwards and forwards.” 

“Precisely!” Dorian clapped his hands, having secured his staff behind him. “Time magic. And Felix should be here soon. Did he get a chance to speak with you?”

“No, I didn’t Dorian.” Felix walked into the lit area. “Sorry, thought I’d never get away.”

“But you did, which is good. Does he have any idea?” Dorian’s brows furrowed up as he spoke clearly concerned for the situation.” 

Felix went into detail explaining the situation with the Venatori, his father, and the Elder One. Then Dorian explained why he had come and his role in the events. How his research had ended up possibly creating this mess. Lilith could see there was a regret in his eyes that ran deep. Still she was trying her best to maintain some semblance of interest. All and all it going to be more danger, more trouble and now there were a group of people who’s lives all hung in the balance. Were this man to take this group of mages they could in turn be used against Thedas, or Fereldan or whomever Alexius wanted. Judging by the tone and look on Felix’s face she was certain it was her they were going to be used against. It was a threat too large to overlook. All those lives now depending on her. Her. Swallowing hard she looked back at Cassandra who seemed to be interested in what she was going to say next. “I think we need to head back to Haven and come up with a plan. If this Alexius is trying to kill me, he’ll make a move soon. We know what he’s going to do, we can turn it to our advantage.”

“Well spoken Herald,” Cassandra nodded. “Dorian will you be joining us?”

“I will make my own way to Haven. I came here in secret and I wish to remain so. If Alexius was to know of my arrival, he may change his plans. I won’t risk it.” Dorian plucked his cloak up off the floor and dusted it off. “I’ve come this far; I won’t let him complete this insanity.” 

“Then we shall meet you there.” Lilith nodded as the man slipped out the back entrance of the building. Tapping her own staff off the floor she was quick to go out the front door and make their way to the closest camping site. Bull called her title three times before using her name. “Yes?” She turned and waited as Bull raced to catch up. “What’s wrong boss?” 

“Nothing. Just not feeling it today, if that makes any sense.” Shrugging again she let out a long sigh. “Some days things just don’t go well. They could be perfect, and I’d still loathe everything. That is just how it is, how it’s always been. So, I just deal with it….” Tears began to prick the edge of her eyes as she struggled to hold everything together. “I’m a mess. A hot, ugly, horrible, mess.” 

Bull shook his head, “hey Boss, that ain’t true. You might be having a bad day but…”

“But it’ll pass, you need to smile, what do you have to be upset about, things are going really well for you, you’re so awesome… I’ve heard them all, and none of them matter. None of them help. None of them…” choking down the bubbling inside she shook her head. “No. It is how I feel, and I have a right to feel like this.” Wiping the tears from her cheeks she sniffled. “It will pass, but I need to let it be what it is right now. Alright?”

“Take all the time you need boss. Wanna a hug?” Bull put his arm around her and instantly she relaxed, a long sigh coming from her lips. “Better?”

“No one has offered that before. I never knew I needed it.” Sniffling harder she snuggled into Bull’s form. “Can we… can we get to camp now?”

“Ya, we aren’t far now.” Bull pointed to their camp site a little over a hundred yards away. “Not too bad. I think we can make it.” 

“Good. I’m so tired.” 

Pushing towards the camp she instantly retreated to a tent. It didn’t even matter who’s tent it was because it was now hers. Dropping her staff, she ripped off the light armored robe and collapsed onto the bed roll. Tears kept coming, no matter how hard she wanted them to stop, it just made her more frustrated and more tears came. Tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of fear. They all spilled freely, little able to stop them. 

Quietly Bull slipped into the tent and got down beside her, scooped her up into his arms and cradled her. “Shhh,” he hushed as he pushed the hair back from her face, loose strands breaking free from her braid. “It’s going to be alright. It might not be now, but it will be.”

“I… please stay.” She sniffled as she buried her head into his chest, eager to feel the warmth of his body against hers. It was comforting that closeness even if she was nervous, scared and shy. He was offering the protection of his body and right now, more than ever she needed it. His purring agreement allowed the tension to release from her causing a cascading wave of exhaustion to wash over her. 

Bull had been her saving grace many times upon the battlefield, before meeting with the council and when the day had worn on. Many times he’d lent an ear, a bottle of something far stronger than she could ever imagine, and now this. What had she ever done in her life to deserve such loyalty? Such friendship? Because that’s what Bull was, her best friend. If she were to give it a name. Was it childish to have best friends at her age? She didn’t know, after all she never had a friend. Not one, in her entire life. They moved too much, never settling for long. They had to once her magic manifested. Then the explosion in Kirkwall and the dissolving of the Circles. 

“Bull…” it was a whisper, something soft in the fading light of the day just peeking through her tent. “Ya boss?”

“I’m sorry.” Again, she snuffled but this time the tears where starting to dry. “This must be awkward for you.”

His roaring laughter jostled her. “Awkward? Hang around with the Chargers long enough and you’ll see there is no such thing as awkward.” Sighing after he pulled her back from him, looking her in the eyes, “you need this. Right now. Here. And I am here to help. Take it for now. For whatever it is.”

“I… You truly are a good friend.”

“Friend…” he mulled the word on his lips before smirking. “Got it boss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a long journey, mentally, emotionally, and Lilith hasn't even begun. Thank you everyone for the kind words, kudos and likes. Shares are always appreciated. Again, thank you so much for reading my trash and loving it. Bless you in whatever religion you practice, or spiritually too. Thanks.


	7. Chapter 7

“It’s most definitely a trap.” Josephine groaned as they looked over a map of Redcliffe castle. “This is impossible.”

“There has to be a way!” Lilith growled back; her head was pounding. After a long journey she’d been in the war room less than ten minutes and everyone was screaming and arguing. “I won’t leave them like this. Not in the hands of that madman. Who’s to say what he will do to them! There are children to consider!” 

“Wait!” Leliana smiled slyly, “there is a way. An old entrance through the windmill to get to the dungeons of the castle. From there you can enter deeper within the keep.”

“Brilliant!” Dorian strolled in, clapping his hands. “But Alexius would have thought of that and laid magical traps. With my help, and knowledge, I can disarm them for you.”

“Perfect!” Lilith half jumped. “Dorian can lead some soldiers through the tunnels or dungeon, whatever, and we can attend to the Magister. Keep him a bit busy. Shouldn’t be too hard, he seemed to like to talk.” 

“The Magister is expecting a reply and for your visit in the next two weeks. If we use horse back, you can be at the castle in nine days. That doesn’t give us a lot of time to prepare and I would recommend having everything in order before you make the journey.” Cullen tried to sound more positive than he felt. “A solid plan would help me rest better,” he muttered the last sentence under his breath the thought of her entering the impervious fortress was making his stomach grind. 

“Commander may I have a quick word with you,” Cassandra motioned towards the war room door and with a quick step and silent response the two stepped into the hall. 

Lilith watched as the door clicked shut, her mind reeling as to what they could be discussing. Only Leliana’s voice and Dorian broke her focus, “if we enter here, it leads to a tunnel that enters into the castle’s dungeon.” Leliana pointed to an old Windmill they had seen from the bridge entering Redcliffe. “A dungeon, cheery.” Dorian rubbed his chin. “Can you recall the exact layout? I can give a better estimate to the number of wards and signa he would have used. Possibly even where. Not that I can guarantee it, but it would limit the risk of setting one of. It would be deadly.”

“Yes.” Leliana took a piece of parchment from Josephine and began scribbling out a map from memory. “When did you find out about this tunnel?” Lilith watched in awe as Leliana drew out a detailed map. “With the Hero of Fereldan, we entered the tunnel to save the Arl’s son. Those were different times.”

“Wow! You knew the Hero of Fereldan?” Lilith was enamored with all the heroes and especially the Champion of Kirkwall. “Well Cousland would not prefer to be called a Hero. Last I had heard from her she was travelling in search for a cure to some ailment. The Calling I believe she named it. But that is for another time. Here, Ser Dorian, is this satisfactory?”

“Quite. Let’s get to work.” Dorian took the quill and began plotting a route and highlighting possible locations for magical traps and wards. Lilith watching the whole time, her focus on Cullen and Cassandra swept away.

“You look ill,” Cassandra frowned as she crossed her arms. “How do you fare Cullen?”

“I am holding. It is early yet. You promised to keep an eye out and I appreciate it.” Pinching his nose, he could taste the blood dripping down his throat. “Minor headaches, some nose bleeds and body aches. Nothing severe yet. I swore I would keep you abreast of the situation and there is nothing new to report.” Sighing he tilted his head back before Cassandra grabbed his hand, “No, tip the head down and pinch the bridge. If you swallow too much blood you will be sick.” 

“Thank you.” Cullen did as he was advised and soon enough the bleed had stopped. Taking a handkerchief from his pocket he cleaned himself up. “Let’s get back…”

“I understand your opinions are to avoid the castle at all costs, but you should also note the large tactical situation with that many mages being on the Tevinter leash. That could be turned against us or any other part of Thedas. Another war because we refused to act.” Cassandra sighed, relaxed her arms and let her shoulders drop. “We are at an impasse.”

“I know.” Cullen groaned, “I can’t… we can’t let any harm come to her.”

“Cullen…”

“Not now.” Shaking his head, he grabbed the handle to the door, “we need to make this work. It needs to be perfect.” 

“And that right there is at least the best reasoning I can give. I know his spells and the counters to them. I can remove the wards and lead the men through. Unless you’d care to lead us? You have personal knowledge of the tunnel system and interior.” Dorian crossed his arms and waited for Leliana to answer. “I will accompany you. We can take a dozen men through the tunnels without notice. Cullen select the best you have and send them to the camp outside of Redcliffe first thing tomorrow morning. They should arrive in time. Dorian, you and I can move faster alone.”

“Agreed. I prefer to draw attention but not this time.” Winking at Lilith, Dorian bowed. “I shall see you at the castle. Do keep Alexius talking, he does love a good rant.” 

“Then I guess we are done here?” Lilith looked about the room, “we leave tomorrow?”  
“The soldiers will travel slowest; they should leave tomorrow. Your group will leave in two days. Plenty of time to arrive and not look suspicious.” Leliana smiled. “Dorian and I will make our way to the castle in a day’s time.”

“Perfect! That means we have time for drinks. There is a tavern here, yes?” Dorian smirked wide, “come now a drink will calm your poor frazzled nerves.”

“I could use one.” Lilith let out a sighing laugh as she weakly walked towards the door, Dorian chipper and eager alongside of her. “Anyone else?” 

“There is planning to be done.” Cullen gruffed as he leaned over the new map, inspecting the lay out of the keep. 

Lilith paused, “did you want help with…”

“No, it is quite alright. Please, go and enjoy your evening Lady Trevelyan.” He faked a quick smile, the best he could do considering how scared and angry he was. 

“Oh, alright.” Stuttering in her steps she stopped again. “Please don’t stay up too late. We would be happy if you would join us at the tavern.” Nodding once as if to confirm he was listening, she turned and walked with Dorian to the tavern. The entire night she was thinking about Cullen, how he seemed upset. It must have been something she said, maybe it was that she neglected the option of the templars? It had to be something that upset him. Maybe. Tossing several different options about in her head they all ended in her. Her being the issue. Her being the one who upset him, and when he didn’t show up she was dead set on her being the cause.

“Boss,” Bull whispered in her ear causing her to jump. It took a moment to realize but they were alone, many of the patrons gone to sleep and even Varric retreated to his bed. “OH!” Looking down she noticed that she hadn’t even touched her drink. “I’m sorry. My mind was elsewhere.”

“Ya, could tell.” Bull chuckled as he rose from his seat, grunting with the effort. “Come on, bedtime.” 

“Sounds about right.” Lilith sighed as she stood and walked with him. In silence the pair wondered towards her hut. “Get some rest. Got a busy couple of days. Drinks later?”

“Drinks. And I promise this time I’ll drink them.” Lilith blushed as she opened her door. “I hope you get some good sleep too.”

“Thanks boss,” Bull nodded before he turned off towards his own bed. Walking through her door, watching over her shoulder as he slowly meandered to his tent, she sighed. Cullen hadn’t showed up. Shutting the door, she undressed and gathered her nightgown. Pulling the blanket back she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, that she’d done something wrong. Tossing and turning in bed, she went over the many ways she could have upset him. Each one more egregious in her head than in the real realm. 

Finally frustrated with the constant thought to apologize she rose and threw a cloak about herself. There was no way he was still in the war room, none, couldn’t be, she thought. But it was a growing need to go there one that wouldn’t let her sleep until she did. So, trudging through the dead, quiet street towards the chantry she shivered. A small inconvenience she thought, compared to the wrong she’d done to Cullen. 

Making it to the Chantry she was frozen to the core and more than thankful for the heat radiating off the braziers. Standing by and letting herself slowly warm up, she could hear nothing coming from the empty hall. Which is exactly what she expected. Rubbing her hands by the fire she finally managed to get some feeling back. Turning to head down the hall she marched halfway before hearing voices, low and muffled. One was clearly a man the other a woman. Yet they both seemed familiar to her. Hearing a door creak, she dove behind one of the pillar walls, thick enough to hide her. 

“Cullen, you can do this. I have faith in you.” Cassandra yawned as she patted his shoulder. “You’ve come this far, but there is more to come yet. I know you have the will but…”

“But I must do this. Please, I only ask you watch over me. Make sure the Inquisition comes first. It must come first.” Cullen sighed heavily before taking a step towards the war room. “I am going to read over a few more missives then turn in. I promise.”

“Good. Do not work yourself so hard. It will not make things easier, nor change what…”

“I know.” Cullen cut her quick, his tone sharp. “I… I apologize.”

“No need. Go. We shall be leaving soon enough.” Cassandra quietly shut her door, leaving no room for further words. Cullen in turn went straight to the war room, also taking care not to slam the door. 

“What…” Lilith was left scratching her head at the conversation. What could he possible need to be watched for? Was their relationship in trouble? There was a flitter of glee at that thought but she instantly regretted it. It wasn’t like the Commander of the Inquisition itself would ever be interested in her. Not with the throngs of women he could have whenever he wished. Maker knew he wasn’t lacking for looks, or that baritone voice. If the war room was a blessing it was solely to hear him speak. She would listen to him recite the chant at this point. But shaking loose the thought she froze. Would it be a good time to see him? Biting her lip, she mulled it over. It wasn’t like she was going to get any sleep if she didn’t. Groaning and nervous she tiptoed down the hall. 

Pausing at the door she flexed her fingers. Finally, she carefully pushed through, “Cullen I…”

His shriek startled her. “Oh Maker, I didn’t mean to startle you! I came to apologize for offending you earlier, and now I’ve gone and bungled it up again. Maker strike me down…” panicking she uttered everything rapidly and rushed out the room. The sound of footsteps fast behind her made her try to run faster but Lilith Trevelyan was many things, a proficient and fast runner was not one of them. Cullen reached out and snagged her arm, spinning her around. “Whoa, what in the Maker’s name are you doing awake at this hour?!”

“I… I couldn’t sleep. I thought I had offended you earlier and that’s why you didn’t come to the tavern. And it was my fault and….” Each word ran a million miles out of her mouth and Cullen had to focus just to make sense of her. “Whoa.” He said again, softer as he relaxed his grip on her arms. “Lady Trevelyan, I did not avoid the tavern on your account. I simply became pre-occupied with the planning. Nothing more. As for startling me in the war room, no harm done. Now, you should return to bed. The hour is very late.” 

“I’m sorry. I just… I guess it’s alright, right?” 

“Yes. Everything is alright. I am not in the least bit angry with you. Alright?”

“I… are you sure? I can be a bit of a fool at times and I have terrible people skills. I’m quite like a potato really.” With those words Cullen burst into laughter. “A potato? Maker’s breath Lady Trevelyan, I believe you are more than capable of interactions with others. Please, you are clearly exhausted and freezing. Maker you are cold. Are you not dressed…?” His cheeks flushed bright scarlet. “Oh…!” Ripping his mantle off his back he wrapped it around her. “You must return to the warmth of your bed. It’s… uh…” reaching up to grab the back of his neck tightly he stammered again. “Please.”

“Oh, it is quite cold out, I should… *yawn* get to sleep.” Clutching the warm mantle about herself she nodded absently. “Good night Cullen. I will come see you tomorrow. I want to apologize for all of this properly.” Her eyelids had grown ever heavier, and her memory was becoming foggy. “I’ll be fine.” Turning without another thought she began the shuffle towards her hut. 

Cullen watched as she shuffled off, the wind instantly bit through his linen tunic. He’d discarded his armor hours ago in an attempt to sleep, now he was more than awake. What was that? Keeping an eye on her until she disappeared, he wondered what she would discuss tomorrow. And more importantly he was still picturing the thin nightgown she’d been wearing under her cloak. Cheeks red he felt the trickle of blood begin to seep from his nose. “Damnit.” Dabbing at it with the back of his hand he groaned. Things were only going to get harder.


	8. Chapter 8

Lilith slept like a stone; the exhaustion overwhelmed her. The next day she was painfully aware of the mess she’d made the night before and the look of embarrassment in Cullen’s face when he spoke with her. But she was as determined as ever to correct the slight and she needed to speak with him. Make things better and hopefully wash away the mistakes of last night. Taking time to properly wash and dress before deciding to go find him. It wasn’t a hard thing to do. He was almost always one of two places. Either the training yard with the recruits or the war room going through stacks of papers. Papers. That would be something she needed to do before they left tomorrow. More missives and options that could either hinder or help the Inquisition. Something that made her feel both important and scared. What if she selected the wrong option and someone got hurt? Was that her fault? 

Shaking the feeling off she finished braiding her hair, leaving it laying across her chest before pushing through the door. Outside it was bright and sunny, a beautiful slightly warmer day. If the Frostback Mountains could ever be described as warm. Using a bit of magic to heat her hands she ran them over her arms. Closer to the training yard she headed there first.

“You there, that’s a shield in your hand block with it!” Cullen’s voice boomed as he yelled at the raw recruit who was cowering behind his wooden sword. While he was able to focus on the events around him, his mind was still fixated on last night’s strange events. What had driven her to go out into the cold night and furthermore what did she mean when she stated she’d offended him. These thoughts swirled about in his head over and over as he walked up and down the rows of men and women helping to correct stances and posture, showing tricks and offering tips. Today the ‘discomfort’ of the withdrawals were beginning early. He’d woken up stiff, stiffer than usual and achy. Generally, all over and his finger tips were cold. So much so he put on his heaviest gloves. But his body, his core was hot. Hotter than usual as well. “Maker curse this.” He muttered as he approached another recruit whose form was lacking. 

“Commander.” Lilith noticed him and waved as she ran towards him. He nodded back before returning to his minor lecture. “I wonder if I may have a moment of your time. I know you must be rather busy.”

“No more so than usual.” Smiling he waved her to walk with him as he continued his inspection. “You wished to speak with me?”

“Yes. You see I felt I slighted you upon selecting the mages over the templars, but I wanted to be clear it was a selection based on circumstances and not loyalty. I feel both you and Leliana are on equal footing as well as the ambassador. When I select their option, it is truly because I feel it the best chance of success.” Pausing for a breath she eagerly watched his reaction, but he remained neutral. “And so, I wanted to know I hold no ill against you, especially due to your prior time as a Templar.”

“I… Thank you.” Cullen nodded thankful for the reprieve. “May I ask why you were intent to find me last night? The hour was very late, and I had anticipated most of the village would be asleep.”

“I couldn’t sleep. I was, haunted, you could say. I get into… well it’s personal anyways.” Blushing fiercely, she cleared her throat. “But now that that is clear, I hope you understand my point in selecting the mages. And why I wish to put myself in harms way so eagerly.”

“I hate to say I shall not understand that, but I can respect your decision. Were I in your place, I cannot fathom the pressure to select what was best. Thank you for choosing and seeing it through.” He was careful with his words knowing her delicate nature. “But my lady, I must return my focus to the…”

“Why did you join? I mean, I have no choice, but you, you did. Why? What drove you here from Kirkwall?” Her words threw him completely off for a second. “Well, I wanted to be apart of something trying to fix things. Without the need for pleasing bureaucrats and foolish pleasantries. Perhaps there are those here, but I feel more is being accomplished with the Inquisition than the templars ever could. That is why.”

“I see.” She nodded cataloguing the answer away. “Thank you, Commander. If I have more questions, may I ask them later?”

“Certainly, my lady.” Nodding he caught sight of a messenger rushing towards him. “But duty calls I’m afraid.” Tipping his head, he strolled towards the man, meeting with him and instantly refocusing on work. 

Lilith went to turn and head towards the tavern when another messenger caught her attention. “Your worship, you are requested in the war room by Sister Leliana.”

“I shall go right away.” She nodded and altered her course towards the looming building. Leliana and Dorian were set to leave any moment now in order to arrive ahead and scout the tunnels. Lilith couldn’t help but wonder why she was being summoned. 

When she arrived Leliana was in travelling clothes, a bow and quiver full of arrows slung over her shoulder. “Ah good. I wanted to update you before I left. Magister Alexius has moved up the time. He will await you based on travel times but wishes your arrival as soon as possible.”

“Oh!” Lilith’s eyes grew wide. “Do we still have everything in place? Will the plan still work?”

“Yes. Soldiers left this morning before dawn. Dorian and I will leave once we are finished here. You should begin preparations and leave this afternoon. It will provide just enough delay for the plan to work. I have already sent word back to the Magister informing him of the travel delay.”

“Alright.” Lilith swallowed hard. “Anything else?”

“Who will you take along? Only three companions, the others will join Dorian and I in the tunnels.”

“Bull, Cassandra and Varric.” Lilith nodded quickly. “Good, I figured as much and already sent word to Blackwall and Solus to prepare to leave. They will travel with you and meet us in Redcliffe.”

“I guess we’re all set.” Lilith began to chew the inside of her lips. It was all going to happen so quick, would there be enough time? “Good. This will work.” Leliana stood straight up from the table. “Keep the magister talking. Dorian and I will see you there. Do not be afraid, you are in no harm.”

“Alright.” Lilith nodded again as Leliana swept out of the room in a rush. Lilith followed behind heading straight for her quarters. There were things she needed to prepare. 

With the sudden change of plans all of Haven seemed to come alive. People bustling about preparing travelling bags, the Herald’s equipment seemed to take president. Digging into her pocket she pulled out the oblong palm sized rose quartz stone. More like a worry stone that her mother had given it to her, something her father taught her to focus her energy through. Usually for healing due to the stone’s latent abilities but she found comfort in rubbing her thumb over its smooth surface. Making her way to her quarters she collected a few more small things before heading to the gate, where her companions awaited her. Cassandra seemed tighter than usual, higher strung and Lilith could pick up the tension. Cullen had said it a few times in the war room, they were heading into a place that was unbreachable. It withstood the onslaught of many armies and the Blight. He knew there was no way the Inquisition’s forces could even touch it. Let alone the pointed fact that many saw them as an Orlesian organization due to the Chantry’s history. If she were to walk in, there was no way to get her out other than this plan. Rubbing the stone in her pocket she began the trek with her companions in silence. 

It was a mostly silent trek as well the heaviness of the situation thick in their minds. So thick that the nights were spent in mindless drink, some grunts of thanks as the bottle passed from one hand to the next. When they finally reached a days journey from the city, Lilith broke the silence. “We’re all going to come out of this and I’m buying the first round at the tavern. After that I think you can each afford a round.”

Bull laughed and nodded, “now that’s a plan I can get behind.” Warming his hands by the fire he shivered. “Damn cold night.”

“Agreed.” Varric groaned. “Always the best nights before the bullshit begins.” Settling in beside Bull he grumbled again, “too bad we lost Hero, his stews are worth it.” Looking up at Lilith he smiled, “no offense Jitters.” 

“None taken. I know you love my stews too. But they aren’t as good as Blackwall’s. Not even close.” Shrugging she stirred the pot. “But I try, and he promised to teach me.”

“We should get to sleep early this evening so we can arrive when we need to.” Cassandra settled in next to Lilith, waving her hand over the stew and breathing in deeply. “I do not see what is wrong with your stew. I believe it to be as good as Blackwall’s.” Folding her arms, she sat with them, waiting for dinner to finish melding together. 

Dinner was shared quietly and afterwards they turned in for the night. Upon waking they began the final leg of the journey. Lilith couldn’t shake the feeling something was off. This seemed easy even with the concerns about timing. She could talk, that wasn’t a problem and surely the man was a talker. That much she’d gleaned from their earlier conversation. This would mean she would be able to stall for time. Even then it rang through her head that something was wrong. 

Dinner was shared quietly and afterwards they turned in for the night. Upon waking they began the final leg of the journey. Lilith couldn’t shake the feeling something was off. This seemed easy even with the concerns about timing. She could talk, that wasn’t a problem and surely the man was a talker. That much she’d gleaned from their earlier conversation. This would mean she would be able to stall for time. Even then it rang through her head that something was wrong. Lilith couldn’t help but feel the tension rise. The castle loomed in the distance, a gleaming beacon of hope and survival to the people of Redcliffe, even after the events of the Blight. For her however it was Cullen’s face that came to her mind, the concern he seemed to struggle to hide. Something else in there. Something she’d attributed to his fear of losing the only thing that could seal the Breach. After all without her hand, things were bound to get a whole ton worse. 

Wind blew low and cool as the sun began to settle in the evening sky. Were she wearing anything less than the thicker robed armor she would have felt the bitter night nip at her. Thankfully it was Cassandra who requested she change before they arrived at the Castle. Prepared for anything, she walked with her staff in hand, her other hand in her pocket rubbing at an agate stone. A stone known to her to help ward off negative energy and evil. Like the rose quartz it too was rubbed smooth in several spots, well loved and kept for comfort. She’d tried it a couple times, channeling her magic through each stone she collected. Knowing each’s properties and conduction she wondered if there was some way of working them into a smaller staff. Something more user friendly. This kept her mind pre-occupied as they drew closer to the gates. 

Arriving before the towering portcullis she tried to remain strong. “Just like Hawke, just like Hawke.” She was trying her best to ignore the fear boiling in her core. If it wasn’t for the staff and her stones her hands would be vibrating. “Good evening Inquisition. Do come in.” A young man no more than twenty summers in age flipped a lever and the gates opened. “Follow me please. Magister Alexius awaits.”

“Right.” She uttered, flat and devote of any tellable emotion. Dragging behind waiting for her crew she counted each step. As if some way this would buy her more time. Passing into the large gathering hall she saw a stairway leading up and to a closed off room. “The Magister left me with strict instructions. He wishes only to barter with the Herald. No one else.”

“I refuse.” Lilith chuckled. “I need these people to properly conduct business. You cannot deprive me my attachés.” She tried to stand tall, always keeping the image of the Champion of Kirkwall in her head. Their messenger stood firm for a moment before finally giving in and taking them into the next room. 

There sitting upon a looming chair similar to a King on his throne, Alexius glowered at them, fingers tented up against his lips. Lilith dragged her feet, slowing her approach as normally as she could make it look. “Magister Alexius, agents of the Inquisition and the Herald of Andraste.” The dull drone from the attendant split the tension in the air like a knife. He was here to see her dead and more than ever it seemed possible. Looking about the room she was aware of the large number of armored men lining the hall, tucked half in alcoves made by the pillars that sat along the walls. 

“Good of you all to join us this evening. Now, last time we spoke we were ready to begin bargaining, yes?” Waving his hand out he uttered several more platitudes before discussing his need for something in exchange. Lilith swallowed her fear, the heart in her chest pounding. She almost swore it was visible beneath her armored robes. “I must ask first, what ails poor Felix? We can offer all our knowledge and collection of scholars, clerics, and healers. Surely one may have the answer to his sickness.” She remembered Dorian stating Alexius had a soft spot for Felix and now was the time to get him talking. Surely Leliana and Dorian would be in the castle but where was the question. Followed by what resistance had they faced. 

Alexius seemed to struggle a bit with his answer as he explained the incident with Felix and the darkspawn several months ago, nearly a year. Felix chimed in, trying to soothe his father’s worries, but instead it seemed to harden his father further. “No. Not good enough. I have something else in mind.”

Lilith caught it. Slight movement as a Tevinter guard disappeared between the posts. “I believe my death is off the table, if you are asking for my opinion that is.” Smirking wide she shook her head, “you see Alexius we know of your plans and they have failed.” 

“Venatori, kill the Herald!”

“Alexius you are the picture of the demon the Southerner’s believe Tevinter people to be. You’re one cackle away from being a story book villain.” Dorian came out from around the corner, his staff clipping off the cobble stone flooring. “Please, see reason for once.”

Felix attempted to grab him, but he pulled away violently uttering curses under his breath as he produced a necklace from his pocket and began chanting. Dorian reacted, swinging his staff at him just as the room flashed over. Next thing Lilith was aware of was the soaking, cold sensation of water. She’d landed in nearly knee-deep water. Icy cold water. “What…”

“Maker that was wild.” Dorian rose, also dripping wet. “Where…. Or perhaps I should say when are we?” 

“WHAT!?”

“Let me explain.”


	9. Chapter 9

Lilith was panicking, full on hyperventilating as Dorian explained their situation. “We can go back. If I am right that medallion was one, we crafted in Minrathous. All we have to do is get it from Alexius and we can go back in time. We just need to find out where in time we are.” 

“Where, when… Maker.” Fanning her face with her hand she caught the sound of someone coming which broke her from the terror she was fighting. “We have company,” Dorian tried to ready himself the best he could, as the grated door across the room opened, water rushed out. As the water settled about their ankles two Venatori rushed in, “blood of the Elder One, what are they doing here?!” 

Lilith unleashed her power as soon as she heard them utter a word. Casting a ball of fire, she scorched the first one as a flash of violet went flying past to sink into the second man who shrieked loudly, gripped his chest as he fell over. With the threat nullified, Lilith leaned upon her staff thankful she had it strapped to her back before. “Maker this is…” taking several deep breaths she watched Dorian search the bodies. “AHA!” He exclaimed as he rose, “we are precisely one year in the future and it didn’t turn out too well by the looks of it. We’re still in Redcliffe castle. That’s a good start. I remember parts of this from our walkthrough with Leliana. Come on, let’s get out of this mess.”

Lilith could feel the bitter coldness creep through her body as she mindlessly followed Dorian. Around each corner there seemed to be a new threat and new horror to see. Bodies and bits of bodies seemed to lay about like dust and cobwebs. Eventually they managed to meander to another section of cells. Within sat their companions, each glowing with a strange red pulsing light. Red lyrium corruption one told them, all offering their aid to end Alexius’s mad reign. Each telling the tale of the day the Herald died. The day the world fell to madness. An army of demons swarmed over Thedas, the Empress of Orlais assassinated, and the rise of the Elder One. With no Herald, no way to seal the Breach the world was torn asunder by random rifts and maddened spirits and demons alike. Many perished and few if any of what was had survived. 

If she wasn’t already shell-shocked by their predicament Lilith may have shattered right, there. However, she was currently numb to the events unfolding, Dorian’s ringing words of “we can go back, fix all this. Like it never happened,” was the only resounding thought. They could go back, if only they could locate Alexius and get the medallion, they could erase this horror. 

Now with more allies they turned their attention to Leliana. They found out she was still there, and it was far worse than Lilith could have imagined. Picking up the letter she read it aloud, “test subject Leliana was grafted with the blighted skin sample. She remains unaffected. Day 3, still no signs of blight corruption. Day 7 further interrogation may be easier with the slow spread of the blight beginning to show signs….” She couldn’t finish it, tossing it back upon the desk. “We need to save her.”

“The only way we save everyone is to get to Alexius.” Dorian reiterated. “But she may know how to get to him. Come on.” Heading further down they caught Leliana’s voice, and she was clearly in trouble. Lilith didn’t even think, she just reacted, rushing into the nearby room. Sure, enough there she was, hanging by her wrists from the ceiling. As her capturer turned to see who had dared to interfere, Leliana sprung into action, wrapping her legs about the man’s neck. With a swift snap of her hips and thrusting twist the man’s neck was broken. 

“I have you.” Lilith rushed the table and grabbed the key. Blackwall and Bull quickly braced Leliana, getting the weight off her wrists while Lilith set about unlocking them. Leliana uttered a soft thanks as she collected herself nearly instantly and raced for a stash of discarded weapons. Grabbing a bow and stuffing full a quiver she strapped them to her back, wincing as she worked. “Do you not wonder how we are here?” Dorian was stunned by her effort as she peeked out the door. “No.” She returned. “Well it’s all quite simple, we were blasted forward in time by Alexius’s medallion. If we can reach him, we can undo all of this.”

“Stop talking.” Leliana stopped and deadpanned back towards Dorian. “This is why mages are feared. No one should wield this kind of power. No one. Now if you are done, the Magister has locked himself in the main throne room. Come or stay, either way the Magister dies.” 

Lilith couldn’t believe her ears or her eyes as Leliana angrily tore open the door and began marching down the hall. She quickly followed, her companions stepping in line as well. It was a blur to her as they pushed through hall after hall until they exited into the main courtyard where they had entered when they first arrived at the castle. Outside the sky was green, pulsing and angry like the mark upon her hand. “Maker,” Dorian exclaimed as he paused for a moment. “This… this is what happens if you…”

“I know.” Lilith swallowed hard as a crack split the air and a rift opened up just a few feet from them. Immediately the group went to work, and she shut the rift. Pushing forward, following Leliana she was nervous. The entire world was crumbling about her all because she ceased to exist in this future. Could she really be that important? She wondered to herself as they broke through to the to main hall. Inside a battle between Alexius’s men battled against demons as they poured angry and vengeful from the rift. 

“Why don’t we let them tear each other apart?” Bull grinned as he gripped his ax tight, “take out the winner.”

“Good plan, but we’re shy on time.” Blackwall grimaced. “You close the rift, and we get them taken care of.”

“Right.” Lilith nodded as she clutched her staff. Raising her hand to the rift, it reacted immediately. As she controlled the flow of magic her companions went to the wet work. Within a few short moments what was left of Alexius’s men lay next to the burnt rags and globs of spectral goo upon the floor. “Alright, let’s go see Alexius.” 

Before they could reach him, they were painfully aware of the new specialized door lock. Thankfully, Dorian knew about the old Tevinter magic seals and they were off. Lilith’s stomach rolled as they travelled the halls, dead and decayed bodies randomly laid out in corners each telling their own terrible tale of agonizing death. 

Several rooms and more death later they had obtained the red gem keys to open the door. Lilith had a sinking feeling. While they had to fight for each step of the way it wasn’t the end. Alexius would surely put up a fight that much she was aware of but in all her books: The Champion of Kirkwall, The Hero of Fereldan, there was something that always happened. Just as the hero was closing in upon the goal. Some obstacle that would make it seem impossible or damn near. This entire situation was harkening her back to the moment the hero of Fereldan raced to the top of the tower to light the signal fires only to be met with betrayal. Where was the betrayal, she wondered to herself as if the current situation wasn’t the worst she’d seen. No chasing after Leliana, killing the odd Venatori and closing a couple rifts seemed like an average day. That is if she wasn’t looking at a ghoul. Leliana’s usual porcelain skin was pock marked, grey with dark splotches. It was clear she was ill, gravely so. Her eyes were wild, sunken into her skull with a black rim, yellow stained her eyes making her seem feral. As they rammed the gems into the door, Lilith knew she had to make this right. Had to go back and stop this. But there was more. Several pages making mention of a coup in Orlais, demons spreading across Thedas in an unwavering army and this Elder one. She repeated the information knowing it would be critical coming up. 

As the door slowly swung open, she could see Alexius, stand hunched over a dying fire. “I always knew you’d come back. I hadn’t killed you that day.”

“No Alexius, you just sent us here.” Dorian huffed. “What have you done?” His gasp cut sharp through the air as something scrambled up to Alexius, crawling on all fours like some animal before it crouched beside him. “Maker, is that Felix!”

“I couldn’t do it. I tried. Maker knows I tried. I tried to go back to that day, to the caravan but anything before the Conclave was untouchable. You were untouchable.” It was clear by the tone in his voice, Alexius was defeated. There was no fight left in this man. “Come on Alexius, give us the amulet and we can undo all this horror.” Lilith didn’t know where that voice came from, it was surely from her lips but the courage that resounded behind it felt hollow. She was absolutely terrified and the image of the ghoulish boy squatting beside his father did little to ease her. 

“Felix!” Alexius’s startled cry wrenched her thoughts back to the moment. Leliana had grabbed the boy and was holding a knife to his neck. While there was a good portion of Lilith that agreed, the poor boy need be put out of his misery, this was probably not the right time or moment. She felt Alexius was on the edge to agreeing but now. “Leliana! Let him go.”

“Please, I’ll give you anything.”

“I want the world back.” Leliana growled as she slit the boy’s throat a weak gurgle came as black blood bubbled outwards. He fell to the floor the weight of his body slumping him into a heap of strange carnage. As if he was already rotting inside before the moment of his final death. Now Alexius was furious and with a pained howl he cast everyone back. Leliana was weak still and flew against the furthest wall. She landed with a thud, the air leaving her lungs in a rush. 

“Alexius!” Dorian tried to reason with the man, but it was beyond that point and all he could do was parry the bursts of wild magic and Alexius began hurling everything he could at them. Lilith did her best to shield her companions as Dorian countered and advanced upon the man. 

Wild attacks landed lighting curtains ablaze and smashing the remains of furniture in the room. But Dorian progressed forward landing a few blows of his own before pushing Alexius back. Back into Bull who was more than happy to land the killing blow with his mighty ax. Instantly Dorian stooped down and rummaged through the remains. “Thank the Maker it’s intact.” Holding the amulet up he wiped at his brow. “I’ll need time to cast the spell. At least an hour so…”

“An hour? No, you must go now!” Leliana’s eyes raced back and forth, grey sludgy blood clung to her lip. “The Elder One knows you’re here. You need to leave now. He…” the room shook, and a terrible roar came from over the Castle. “He’s here.”

Dorian grabbed Lilith’s arm and pulled her back towards the fireplace. “Stand near me, as soon as I get this to work, we should return.” 

“Alright.” Shivering as their companions went to bar the door. “But…” 

“If you stay, we’re all dead.” Leliana drew her bow, the small quiver of arrows jostled about as she steadied herself. “You have as much time as we can offer. They will seal the door, but I know it will not hold. You have as much time as I have arrows.” 

Lilith huddled next to Dorian and she didn’t want to look. Look at Dorian and see the sweat beading at his temples as he fumbled through his memory to properly cast the spell to work the amulet. Or towards the door where the carnage could be heard, screams and the sound of metal clanging. As she held her hands over her ears, she was terrified, her heart hammered in her chest to the point she was certain she was going to break a rib. Her heart bursting through and falling onto the floor. Trying to calm herself she felt the blast when the door was torn from its hinges. She could feel the tension rising. Dorian’s voice raising as a vortex a wind whipped about her face. Opening her eyes, she was horrified to see Leliana become impaled upon the arm of an envy demon as a crushing wave of blue azure seemed to wrap around her. 

Turning about twisting back and forth she was thankful to be back in the moment prior to the events she’d been forced to witness and endure. Looking back at Alexius she watched as she slumped to his knees, a broken man. “You ruin everything you know.”

“Lilith!” Dorian uttered before he returned his attention to Alexius. “It’s over.”

“I’ve failed…” Alexius began blubbering as Lilith noticed the sound of armored boots clanging through the hall. Looking back, she saw a row of men, in full plate mail come marching through the room and surround them. Normally she would have felt fear rise inside her, but the symbol deeply etched into their armor, the Fereldan coat of arms of the Theirin line was prominent. “Seems we got here a little late.” A man appeared as the soldiers split. He was dressed in the finest leather edged in a pure white fur. His auburn hair was neatly combed back, and he looked familiar to her. His profile was very Fereldan that much she could see, it reminded her of Cullen’s strong jaw line. “Who…”

“I apologize, I forget my manners.” He smirked before turning to face Lilith, two armed guards picked Alexius up and began dragging him away. “Alistair Theirin. King of Fereldan. As it were. You must be the Herald of Andraste, if I’ve heard correctly.” Winking towards Leliana he chuckled heartily. “Sorry to interrupt your affairs but the Magister has some explaining to do about taking over Arl Tegan’s castle. He’s very fond of it you know.” 

“Yes, you just missed all the fun,” Dorian sighed heavily before he sauntered over to where their group had gathered in the corner. “Ali…King Alistair!” Fiona jumped from behind a corner and came running towards Lilith. “Your majesty, I apol…”

“It’s a little late for that,” his brows furrowed tight as he let out a long sigh. “I wanted to help. I gave you Redcliffe to stay in and this is how you repay it.” He let out one last sigh, his shoulders sagging before he stood up straight again. “But you leave me no choice now. You and your people are hereby exiled from Fereldan. Effective immediately.”

“But we have children!”

“The Inquisition seems to require your services. Perhaps you should take their offer. Either way you are leaving.” Nodding he turned back to Lilith, “sorry for the short visit but I am needed elsewhere.” Giving a final nod he turned, and the sound of metal boots clattered as they marched from the hall. 

Lilith looked over to Cassandra who simply nodded. In response she spoke to Fiona, “our offer as a messenger of the Inquisition is…” she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Two small children, no older than five summers poked their heads around out into the hall. Lilith caught them. “Is to offer you a partnership. An alliance to work together as partners. A chance to redeem yourselves, as it were.” 

“I suppose we have little other choice. I shall have my people pack up immediately and we shall meet you at Haven.” Fiona sighed, clearly defeated. 

Lilith had had enough now. “Let’s get to camp. Make way for Haven at morning.” Even her ability to speak was done. Heading back towards the entrance she didn’t bother to wait for anyone, she knew the way. And at that moment she was more than wanting to get out of this castle. Away from the memories of pulsing red crystals and death. So much death. All of it could be avoided because she was alive. That still hadn’t completely settled into her brain. She and she alone was the sole reason the world fell apart. Any thoughts of leaving the Inquisition were instantly squashed. 

Thankful to reach the open air she drew in a couple lung fulls of air. It helped to calm her rolling stomach. Everything inside had felt cramped and tight. She just wanted to put enough distance between herself and the castle. The Inquisition camp wasn’t more than a fifteen-minute walk from the castle. And she was more than aware that her group could easily catch up with her. She wasn’t hungry, just tired. It was heavy inside of her like she’d swallowed a boulder. 

When she arrived, she went straight into her tent, took off her armor and sunk down on the bedroll. Wrapping herself as tightly as she could she closed her eyes and tried to forget. It wasn’t long before she was tossing and turning, unable to get into a decent sleep. But this wasn’t anything new, and neither was her next move. Gathering up her blanket and roll she pushed through the tent flap and went straight to Bull’s tent. 

As she opened his tent flap he chuckled, “rough sleep, come here.” Patting the spot next to him he waited for her to settle her bedroll. When that was done to her liking she curled up into his side and let out a long breathe of air. After snuggling up to him she rested her head upon his chest, the steady beat of his heart calming her. “Ok Boss, what’s the story. You looked like you saw a ghost back there.”

“It’s a long story.” She warned. But his silence was the answer, and she knew all to well he was waiting for her to speak. So, she did. Starting at the beginning. The moment they dropped into the wet basement of the castle a year into the future. How her companions were infected with red lyrium. How the Elder One had wrought untold damage across Thedas. About the demon army that destroyed all it touched. How the Empress of Orlais had been assassinated and how without her the entire world seemed to have been doomed. Rifts opened where they wanted without check and stayed open, pouring demons out wherever they could. Bull lay silent, listening to every word, intent and still. “And then Dorian used his time magic on the amulet, and we arrived back where we started. As if all that horror never existed. As if I never witnessed it…” 

“Sounds like a lot to see. Impressively you remembered a lot. That will come in use when we need to stop these things from happening. A demon army,” he grunted, “that’s some bad shit.”

“Yeah.” Holding the blanket around herself tightly she told him about Leliana, the torture and the ghoulish outcome. How she was willing to sacrifice herself so Dorian could get them back with little proof it would work at all. “Alright. No more thinking about it. We will make our way to Haven in the morning. Write everything down and have Cassandra send it ahead. I think Red will be really interested in all you have to say.” Wrapping his big arm around her, creating a cocoon he yawned. “But for now, sleep. Got a lot of shit to figure out soon.”

“Sleep. Right.” Lilith listened as Bull’s breathing slowed to a steady and deep rhythm before she too closed her eyes and fell into a restless sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Lilith thought about the information she’d gathered from the future the whole way back to Haven. Her only concern now was figuring out if they really could stop the Breach and if the Breach would stop the other rifts from opening or shut them all down. That idea was a happy thought one that she held onto as they carried on. 

Several times the group broke out into chatter. Some of it to do with the Breach and others to do with what they would all be up to once the Breach was secured. Cassandra would casually remind them all that just because the Breach would be closed, it didn’t finish things. There was still the mess of who killed the Divine? Who opened the Breach? And finally, what was this dark future Lilith witnessed? Could someone be planning to truly assassinate the Empress of Orlais? Then there was the demon army. Who could possibly summon that many demons to take over all of Thedas? It seemed a mighty feat. All things Lilith knew she’d be part of. The dark future showed her what would happen if she wasn’t there and knowing leaving would condemn the world was a heavy weight upon her shoulders. 

Cassandra had written down Lilith’s memory of the future as detailed as she could. Admitting a few times that she wasn’t nearly as skilled with word as Varric. Immediately she sent it to Cullen and Leliana. Who was already ahead of them. Travelling alone there was less to worry for and Leliana moved fast. Cullen grumbled loudly as he read the letter over again. His seventh time. Not because he didn’t understand the words, it all just seemed so fantastical. Assassinations, demons, an Elder One, and the mages now their equal allies. Tossing the letter down he was fuming. The old templar inside of him was going through the check list. Abominations, blood magic, and apostates. Yet, he knew better, remembered better. Hawke was a mage, unshackled and unschooled. Yet she constantly chose the good in people, the good choices and tried to convince him to see the light. Not all mages were bad, or weak to temptation. But there were those that are. It was hard to deny one and pretend the other didn’t exist when he’d seen it himself. “Maker’s breath.” He sighed as he turned to Josephine. “What do you make of this?”

“We will need a steady supply of lyrium. I will reach out to contacts to secure a line. They will need lodging away from the templars within our ranks to prevent arguments.” Sighing herself she was busy scribbling away on her board. “The news of a potential assassination of the Empress is most troubling.”

“Yes.” Cullen agreed. “But I believe we have to focus on the Breach before we can tend to these other potential situations. Babysitting the mages and templars will be a chore in and of itself.” 

“They look up to you, the templars anyways. Do the best you can to keep them under control. We are all the Inquisition now.” Josephine slipped her quill back in its pot. “We shall have to finish our plans once Cassandra and Lady Trevelyan have returned. They should arrive within the next day or two.”

“Leliana just arrived. We can continue this once she is ready. I am certain she may have more information than the letter could provide.”

“Perhaps. I must get these letters out. Try to get something to eat Commander, you are looking paler than usual.” Josephine nodded to him before quickly ushering out of the room and to her office. 

Cullen chuckled and looked back down at the letter. He’d have to go break the news to the templars that had joined them, make it clear no actions were to be taken against the mages. There was no way of knowing who killed the Divine and blaming each other was only going to result in scorch marks and bodies. He felt the anger bubble up thinking about everything that could happen, that had happened. Perhaps there were wounds yet left unhealed and as he thought about it, he felt his stomach rise and twist. His skin began to feel cool and clammy. Taking in a quick, deep breath he held it for a moment before slowly letting it out through his nose. First things first, before they returned, he needed to deal with the templars. 

Lilith knew she wanted to talk with Fiona, get a sense of the woman. She knew her father apparently at one time or another and she was curious what that connection was. It had been a long time now and maybe she didn’t even remember him. But she wanted the woman to trust her, trust she was looking out for the interests of mages at the heart of things. Trying not to dwell too much on the Breach she knew it was their current objective. The incidents of the chaotic future would be secondary and soon primary once they completed their goal. With the mages arriving in Haven a day or two behind them, they could easily make way to the Breach by the end of the week. 

End of the week. That gave her maybe four days of rest. Four days before whatever was going to happen, happened. What could happen and how many different ways she could possibly die had already gone through her head, at least a dozen times now, in detail. First thing she was going to do was sleep. Maker the bed would feel so much better than the bedroll. That was first, a day maybe two, then a chat with her friends, her chance to say goodbye. But the last thing stuck in her throat, held tight and choked her. She should tell Cullen her feelings, or maybe just that he’s cute. Maker, cute. She groaned at the word. 

As they neared Haven her nerves fluttered. Could this be it? Would this be the last time that she’d see these gates? Shaking the thought from her mind she went through the usual routine upon arrival. “Hey Jitters, have a drink?” Varric rolled his neck a low pop sounded off. “After a good wash Varric.” She nodded before handing her gear to the servant awaiting them. “I need one.”

“Don’t take too long,” Bull grunted. “You owe a round, remember?”

“Of course! How could I possibly forget?” Lilith chuckled. Splitting ways, she headed straight for her cabin, knowing the large wooden tub would be prepared for her, all she needed to do was heat the water. Something that was an easy trick for a mage. 

Slipping out of her clothes she sunk into the tubs now steaming water. Letting out a long sigh her mind wandered back to her earlier thoughts. Was this it? The Breach lay before them now, only the arrival of the mages stifled their call to action. There were so many people she needed to speak to, so many that needed to be told. Told how she felt about them and how much they meant to her. Sinking further into the tub she began the long list of friends she needed to say thank you to. It was going to be a long bath.

Cullen growled as he pinched the bridge of his nose, his arms folded upon his chest. “For the thousandth time I am not the Knight Commander. I am the Commander of the Inquisition and you are all members of it. Start acting like it.”

“But ser, the mages…”

“Are here to lend aid and are not our charges. The Circles are no more, the templars are no more. We are the Inquisition, and we are all in this together. If we cannot see that then we cannot progress forward.” Huffing loudly, he dropped his arms before snapping one up to point towards the Breach. “That is your enemy. That is the only thing that matters right now. Stopping it. The mages have been charged to lend aid. They will be here in a day or two at most. Camp must be prepared and away from any templar group. They are led by the Grand Enchanter. Have some faith in her skill and leadership.”

“But she sold out to the Tevinter bastards!” One man yelled causing a new uproar.

“And you would too were an army baring down upon your backside and someone offered aid.” Cullen growled back. “Does it make it right? No, but neither is hunting children and slaughtering them in the wild.” His voice was harsh and thick as he spoke, the images of Kirkwall running through his head. “If you want abominations, that’s how you get abominations.” Silence fell over the small group as if a blanket of reasoning descended. “Good. Now we have work to do. Move out Inquisition!” 

“Commander.” Cassandra voice had him turn to meet her, “well handled and honest.”

“Kirkwall was a mess. I would prefer to avoid a repeat of incidents.” Reaching up he grabbed the back of his neck, the ache growing heavier he pinched and squeezed till it lifted. “We need to seal the Breach as soon as possible.”

“Agreed.” Cassandra nodded. “Do you have time to meet in the war room?”

“Lysette.” Cullen bellowed. “Make sure the provisions are seen to and the camp set up proper. No tom foolery.”

“Yes ser!” She snapped to attention before turning towards the meandering group of bodies. Cullen waved for Cassandra to lead the way and was quickly matching her pace. 

Lilith finally finished scrubbing and washing. Sitting in her towel upon the bed it was one person she couldn’t reconcile with; Cullen. How was she going to tell him anything when her tongue-tied thinking about it. A walk! That’s what she needed, more time to think about it. Dressing as warmly as she could, she braided her hair back and pinned it up. Walking from her hut she wandered about, passing some trebuchets as she went. “My Lady!” Someone called out, causing her to stop in her tracks. “Watch out for that mine shaft. We haven’t had a chance to open it all the way and those boards are weak.” 

“Oh, thank you.” She looked down to see a shaft with faint light coming from within. “Almost stepped right on it.” Nervously giggling she walked around it and made her way to the tavern. Maybe a drink or two would help.

“Another round!” Bull roared as the music rose through to the rafters. “Ah red heads.” He growled as he slurped back another mouth full. “You know boss it’s almost over. Next the Breach then what?”

“We find whoever started this, I assume.” She hickuped as she sipped at her mug, the seventh one that night. “You’re a good friend Bull. Never change.”

“Don’t start talking like that Jitters.” Varric grimaced as he put his mug down. “It’s just a little finger wiggle and we’ll be back here for drinks till Bull flops.”

“That’s a lot of drink Varric.” Bull grinned wide as he poured another round. “Easy for you to say, you aren’t the ones with the glowing hand.” Limply flicking her hand about the green flashed and flickered. “You aren’t at the end of this.”

“I’ve written a lot of books Jitters. Takes more than a glowing mark to kill a hero. A whole heck of a lot more than that. You’ll come out just fine. So, no big goodbye speeches. Alright.” Snorting as he reached for his cup he chuckled. “The booze may carry you off first. Careful there.”

“I know my limit.” She pouted as she fumbled to find her mouth. “Besides. I have to think. How do I talk to everyone? I don’t want them to cry. Or be angry with me. Can’t die and have people angry with you.” Finally finding her mouth she downed a couple cheek fulls before putting the mug down with a clatter. “And I have a secret.” Waving her finger as if to shush the men she grinned. “I like the Commander. But he doesn’t know. He’s with someone I think.”

“Curly?” Varric choked on his ale, Bull had to clap him on the back nearly sending him over the table. “Curly?” Repeating it again he shook his head. “Man is married to his work. As he always was. You’ve talked to him Jitters?”

“No, no, no. I get all flushed and silly.” Waving her hand, she chuckled. “I heard him praying in the Chantry. Praying to the Maker for someone to ‘watch over her’ then Cassandra came over and spoke with him. Took him back to her quarters to speak in private. So, they have to a thing, right? Right? I’m right aren’t I.” 

Bull let out a long row of giggles before he wiped at his eye and sighed out heavily. “I don’t think that works that way. Cassandra is as committed to her work as Cullen. Probably discussing some military maneuver in case of something. Hence the trebuchets everywhere.” 

“I should go speak to him.” Lilith staggered as she rose, her cheeks a vibrant rouge. “This will be the only time I’ll have the guts to speak with him and,” smirking wide she swayed slightly as she rose her hand to annunciate the point. “If I make a mistake or it goes horribly wrong, I won’t remember!”

“That is the…”

“Shhh,” Bull hushed Varric. “Let her go. She’s going to do it anyways, let’s just watch to make sure she gets there alright.” Snickering Bull sat up, “he’s probably at the Chantry at this time. Overlooking paperwork.”

“Perfect!” She swayed again, catching herself upon the table. “I’ll march right over and tell him… tell him…”

“Yes,” Varric hid his snicker behind his mug as he waited for her reply. There was certainly a good line for his newest book brewing at this exact moment. “Tell him he’s sexy.” She burst into a row of giggles as she pressed her palms into the table to right herself. “Soon as the room stops spinning.”

Varric and Bull nearly shot their ale through their noses at her declaration. “Whoa there, perhaps you should start with something simple, like, ‘Cullen I think you’re a good Commander.’” Bull cleared his throat. “And I was wondering if that is all you are interested in. Commanding.”

“Andraste’s ass Bull.” Varric chuckled. “That’s the worst line I’ve ever heard, and I’ve written most of them.” 

“And what would you have her say?” Bull crossed his arms and leaned back. “Cullen isn’t a man capable of subtle last I looked.”

“Subtle can work. You don’t need to bash the man over the head.” Varric retorted. “Why don’t you ask if after the Breach you two could spend more time together. In a non-Inquisition way.”

“OH!” Lilith pointed to Varric tipping slightly to the side, Bull reached over and propped her back up. “I like that! I like that a lot but, what if he says no.” Her face instantly fell, and she looked as if she were on the edge of tears. “Hey,” Bull was careful as he bumped her shoulder, “who could say no to this?”

“Anyone.” She muttered, cleared defeated. “Maybe I should just go to bed. Wait for the headache and hangover.”

“Jitters.” Varric’s voice was soft. “Don’t think like that. Cullen…”

“Could do much better than me.” Lilith turned and quickly stumbled out the door. Varric rose to give chase but Bull stopped him, “she’s too drunk to see reason. Let her go. This one she needs to sleep off.”


	11. Chapter 11

It was as if the sudden thought had snapped her sober. Walking with her arms tightly about herself she was struggling to hold back the tears as the snow crunched beneath her feet, the only sound Haven was making. All of its inhabitants seemed to have turned in hours ago and now the night sky and sliver of a moon were the only things watching her sad march back to her hut. 

Sniffling as she went, she wasn’t paying much attention to anything. It wasn’t long before she made it to the door. Pressing her hand upon the wood she stopped short of push it open. Turning her head she looked up at the green swirling blob in the sky. Soon it would be gone, soon she’d be either dead or another hero. A hero not by choice but by deed. Looking back at the door she couldn’t help but think of the Hero of Fereldan and the Champion of Kirkwall. How each of them went through something similar? Some test of skill or faith or something like that. Was this the moment in her book where she was going to be tested? That made her feel a bit better, thinking that perhaps this was only the start of her journey. 

Finally pushing through the door, she quietly shut it and settled upon her bed. Everything felt a little numb, a little more tired and run down. Casting off her robes she quietly shuffled under the blankets and curled up. Cullen would be a thought for another day, maybe if she came back from the Breach. That would be it. She’d come back and then she’d speak to him. Tell him she’d like to spend more time with him, get to know him better. Friends at first at the least. That thought was comforting to her and as she closed her eyes, she happily thought of just sitting with him. Sitting with him and talking, maybe even playing a game of Wicked Grace. Smiling she closed her eyes and within a few moments was fast asleep.

Morning was as miserable as she had thought it was going to be and it didn’t take much for her to decide to stay in bed. And she did, the whole day. Bull stopped by and brought her some food and water, Varric dropped off a copy of his newest series, and she was thankful for their attention. Yet she didn’t want to leave her little hut. Even as the mages made their way into Haven, she stayed in her bed. Nothing inside of her wanted to get up. 

It took her till sometime after the lunch hour for her to finally find the strength to get up. With a blanket wrapped about her she set down at the desk. Reading through some letters she decided there was one more thing to do. Grabbing a quill and fresh sheet of parchment she set about writing to her mom and dad. Something simple and ignoring the current dire situation outside.

“Dear Mother and Father,

Now is not the time to make any moves. I feel that with the Breach above being what it is that now is the time to wait and see. See what becomes of things once it is sealed. Which brings me to the good news. We have received aid from the Redcliffe Mages. By the time you read this letter we will have sealed the Breach! We are not done after that, however. There was someone behind this mess and I aim to stick about and find out who. If not for myself but for those who lost and to help heal Thedas. It is the least I can do. 

Once things have settled down and we are in a rhythm again, I’ll send word. But right now, I just don’t have a good feeling about having you both here. I hope that makes sense.

I promise to write more regularly once this is done. My days aren’t all action and mystery but I’m sure you might get some entertainment out of my ramblings. Know I miss you both dearly and look forward to seeing you both soon as it is safe to do so.

Much love,

Lilith.”

With her letter complete she carefully sealed it up and placed it with the other letters meant to be taken and sent out. It would reach her parents by the next day or two. If she was still alive, she’d bet to hear back in three or four days. Unlocking the cage with the raven in it, she tied the letter to it as she’d done a hundred times now. Carefully opening the window, she placed the raven on the ledge and gave it the instructions before it flew off. 

Throwing the blanket on the bed she decided now was as good a time as any to get up and get about things. There would be a meeting by now in the council room she’d supposed to be apart of. Dressing and fixing her hair she quickly pinned it down before heading out the door. Heading out into the midday sun she drew in a deep breath. Usually the air was frigid, but it felt warmer today.

“Hey Jitters!” Varric called out as he came lumbering towards her, “we have a game of Wicked Grace going in the tavern. Could always use one more.”

“Alright, I’m in.” She smiled as the two made their way to the tavern. “You feeling alright? The other night wasn’t the best ending Jitters.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just have my moments. I’m over it.” She shook her head. “Besides, we have a big old mean rift to close tomorrow. Can’t be forgetting about my hero work, can I?”

Varric chuckled as he pulled the door wide for her. “Hero work. Good one.” 

Lilith spent the bulk of the remainder of the day playing Wicked Grace, if her continuous losing streak was truly playing at all. Thankfully Varric was merciful and by the time a messenger came to grab her, he’d forgiven her substantial debt. She could hear Bull’s chiding and teasing as she walked out the doors and into the evening air. 

She paid little attention to the small talk the messenger tried to ply her with as they travelled. It wasn’t her intention to talk. All she was prepared to do this evening was listen. Listen to the play and then sleep. Tomorrow would come far sooner than she wanted and so would the inevitable march Cullen would have planned down to the last man. There was a comfort knowing that he was guaranteed to have thought of every outcome and planned accordingly. That brought her a level of peace she didn’t know she needed. 

Bidding the messenger, a hasty good night she walked through the Chantry towards the council’s chambers. Pausing at the door she took in a deep breath in an attempt to calm her racing heart. With one last lung full she pushed the door only wide enough for her to squeak through. “Herald!” Cassandra smiled, “we just finished the plans for tomorrow. Cullen will go back over them for you. Then we have a few smaller items, and the night can end.”

“Oh, I have an answer on your request. The lyre you are looking for will be here within a week’s time. It took a bit to track a suitable one down.” Josephine smiled as she scribbled a note upon her board. “I do hope it is the right one.”

“It didn’t have to be special. Any lyre would have been fine. Thank you.” Lilith blushed as Cullen quirked his brow at her. Maker that face and now she was going to have to listen to his voice for the next how long and try her best not to turn the shade of a Fereldan tomato. Focusing her vision to the table she watched as he pointed out positions in a mock-up of the Conclave remains. “Here the mages will line along the top of the wall. You shall be at the base of the rift. Solus has lent us his understanding of the rift and will guide the mages in their efforts. If all goes well, you will be able to seal the rift and end the Breach. Once that is complete, we shall be able to return before night falls.” Looking up she locked eyes with him. Maker the heat coiled about her neck, threatening to choke her. How did this man have such powers? Was he secretly a mage? Or was this some templar trickery? Clearing her throat awkwardly she nodded and hastily agreed. “That sounds ideal.”

“Yes,” Cullen smirked as he brushed his hair back. “We do of course have as many predictable scenarios covered. If the worst should happen, we are prepared. Though I do not believe we will require it. I have faith you will close the Breach and then we can begin to focus on this dark future you foresaw.” 

“Right.” Nodding again she rocked on her heels. “Now that that is done. What else did you have need of me for? I would like to get some rest before tomorrow.”

“Rest?” Cassandra chuckled, “you’ve been in bed for two days. Are you not well?”

“I’m fine.” Lilith was quick to retort. “Perfectly fine. Just a bad night of drink. Won’t happen too often.” 

Cullen listened as Cassandra finished teasing Lilith and Josephine dove into the issues at hand. He had nothing further to say and this minor back and forth caught his attention. He’d seen something like this before in the Circle. Unsure if it was one or the other, he made a note to keep a more watchful eye on the young woman. Something was wrong and he was set to find out what. 

As Lilith finished making her decisions she yawned. “Is that all? I wish to rest.”

“Of course.” Cullen smiled. Watching her raise her hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn he noted no signs of scars or small cuts and his heart sank. This was common in the Circle. Mages would refuse to get out of bed and stay in their quarters. Many times, the Grand Enchanter would go in and try their best to reconcile the student’s emotions with their situation. Many more times they came out shaking their head. Depression was no hidden secret be it templar or mage. It was clear Lilith was suffering. “Is there anything else you need to discuss with us about the morrow? Are you comfortable with the plan?” Cullen cut the words in as gently as he could prying slightly. “As comfortable as I suppose I can be.” Her smile was hollow and now he noticed it. Deeper rings about the eyes, an empty stare when she spoke. She was suffering. “Then we shall see you bright and early.” He smiled and nodded, trying his best to keep his composure. “Most definitely.” She chuckled, a silverly laugh that seemed normal to those who weren’t aware. But he was now. 

Lilith couldn’t shake his gaze as if he was piercing through her. She wondered if there was anything someone could hide from these people. Surely Leliana knew. Now Cullen. Quickly bidding everyone a good night she rushed from the room. There wasn’t anything any of them could do for her. This would pass. As it always did in another day or two. Then she would be fit was eagerness and energy. Until the cycle repeated again. 

Heading straight back to her room she undressed and crawled into bed. It was late anyways, may as well get some rest, she shrugged as she pulled the blanket up about her chin. Tomorrow, everything depended on tomorrow. Sleep now. Think later. But that was never as easy as she thought it would be. For several hours she tossed and turned, struggling at first to get comfortable. Then it was her mind, going over everything from Cullen’s piercing gaze to the mages lined upon the upper walls at the Conclave. Eventually she managed to get some rest.

When morning came, she was awake and prepared before the agent came to fetch her. Tapping her staff along the stones as she walked, she nibbled the inside of her lips and cheek. There was a lengthy walk ahead of her and plenty to ponder as she went. She’d said a few good things to say to her people but as Varric requested she nixed the goodbyes straight out. He was confident she’d come back and that coming from the best friend of the Champion, well it had to be true. He would have seen the end coming if it was coming, he’d written enough of them by now. 

She spent the majority of the walk-in mindless thinking. Bull was joking with several of the soldiers who were more than happy for some sense of levity to the trek. With their approach to the Breach that quickly changed. Suddenly everyone seemed to sober up and somber up. Lilith kept walking, even when a few mages stopped and gasped. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen it or been near it after all. Even though it oddly called, she ignored everything and everyone to assume her position at the bottom of the rift. Her stomach flipped and flopped as everyone got into position and Solus gave his speech. Taking one last deep breath she readied herself, then raised her hand and closed her eyes. It was a twisting strange tug that pulled everything about her, swirling the air into a mini cyclone. When the wind finally died down, she opened her eyes to see the rift closed and the group of people about her staring in awe. “We did it.” She muttered which sent the crowd into instant celebration.

That celebration didn’t end the whole trip back and carried on into the night. Yet Lilith couldn’t help but feel empty over the victory. There were many other things to think of the dark future, assassinations and demons. No this was only the beginning. Checking her pouch, she noted the six small vials. Health potions and lyrium. Ones she thought she might need at the rift. Now sitting against her hip. She hadn’t removed her armor or stashed her staff. Leaning upon it she watched over the group of people dancing and drinking. Maybe now was the time to speak with Cullen. Tapping her staff along the ground she found him leaned back from the crowd watching the revelry. “I’m surprised you aren’t making merry. You saved the day.” Cullen chuckled as he straightened up. “Is there something I can do?”

“I was wondering if you had a moment to speak. We haven’t been able to talk much.”

“I am presently available if you wish.” Cullen could see the tint of rose about her cheeks and edging her neck. “Are you well? Did you need something?”

“I’m fine. Really. I was just thinking it would be nice if….” Her words were cut off by the sound of an alarm ringing out. Cullen was instantly rushing towards the sound, his hand at the hilt of his sword. Lilith lagged behind; her confusion nearly as palatable as her current frustration.


End file.
